Retarded Child Names; An Investment in a Porn Career or Constant Beatings in School for Lunch Money

By Tresckow

Children have the deck stacked against them enough in today's world. War, terrorism, water shortages, food shortages, Aids, computer porn, junk mail, hippies, American Idol....

Just one big crime against humanity

The absolute LAST thing a newly exposed fetus needs is two strikes against them when they come screaming out of their mother's once fine looking down there place. If the kid isn't born with 11 fingers or with an extra ass, all systems are go. But, despite the fact that their child has come into this world all innocent and shit... some parents punch them in the face with a ridiculous name the kid will have to explain, live with, and eventually get hooked on heroin to try to forget.

No amount of this stuff will ever let Moon Unit Zappa forget that her name is, in fact, Moon Unit.

It's a form of child abuse, plain and simple. The kid can't even defend itself. In an effort to be "creative"and oh so clever, the parents forever screw their own flesh and blood. Who really knows why these shit stains do this. Is it to truly be different? Is it to eliminate future confusion with other child names when their kid is in a herd of free range children, running around aimlessly in a concentration camp.. I mean day care. Or is it because they are assholes?

Really, what are the odds there are two kids in this crowd named, Soda?

Celebrities are, perhaps, the worst offenders. The squirming, crying, messy fruit of their loins becomes another public relations piece. These fucktards never cease to amaze with their egos' demand for attention. Just because they are shallow and egotistical doesn't mean their children have to suffer. I'm looking at you Gwen Stefani, Gweneth Paltrow, and the entire fucking Zappa clan.

Thanks for naming me "Kleenex", asshole.

Since our society is basically monkey see monkey do.. the problem has escalated to colon blowing proportions. Take a look. Here are the names I've heard just in passing while out innocently purchasing high grade explosives (shit, I'm not on an FBI and Homeland Security list).

• Dakota: Nothing says intelligent like a kid named after one of the dumbest sets of states in the Union.
• Camden: When I think of newborn innocence and hope, I think of a shitty city in New Jersey.
• Abba: If you find that you have been named after a shitty band whose songs play almost exclusively in drag shows... make yourself a hangman's noose.
• Andrew's: The apostrophe isn't a typo. It's part of the name. It's like the mother had to use it to remind her who the baby daddy was.
• Alaska: Continuing the dumb ass trend of naming kids after large, vacant areas of land.
• Virgin: That is just scarring a kid for life. He/she will either never get laid or feel the need to prove their name wrong at every opportunity, eventually resulting in a genital scorching venereal disease.

This shit has to stop. Your split second fit of "creativity" damns these kids to a lifetime of wedgies, swirlies, and a spot on The Girl Next Door. Mark my words, these babies are going to figure this out. Then, we'll have a rug rat revolution that will make the Bolshevik Uprising look like a barbecue at the beach.

We're coming mother fucker.