Hell's Kitchen Season 5. It Doesn't Matter Who Wins, They All Suck

By, Tresckow

As much as it pains me to be in the same category as Roode, I too watch Hell's Kitchen. I'm not even really sure why I started to watch it. I'm not really sure why America watches it other than to feed its already overflowing reality show slop bucket.

If you look close enough you can see Keeping Up With The Kardashians in there.

I started watching in Season 4, long after America had already begun it's Chef Gordon Ramsey love affair. But still, I couldn't give a shit less about shows like this. Seriously; people competing to "earn" a position at a restaurant that, in reality, ends up being no where near what was advertised.

Did we say "head chef" at the Borgata? We meant mop jockey at the bus station.

But, season 4 brought me back to watch season 5. The fat loud mouth with the bad weave was trounced. The "runner up" Patrozza made an excellent lovable loser and the winner Christina.... was extremely cute.

See? Friggin adorable.

And then there's her celebration photo....

We wish her chef's uniform was of like design.

There's something missing from season 5. I was sitting in front of the television with my Hell's Kitchen glass of whiskey thinking about it pretty hard. After the fourth glass of delicious Irish nectar, a few things came to mind. First off, no one in this season is a lovable underdog. Everyone is equally douchebaggy. Every contestant possesses a quality about them that makes you want them to lose. Think about it. Who are you rooting for? No one. Not J (the fact that this jackhole uses the letter J to spell his name and refers to himself in the third person stack the deck against him). LA? Get the hell out of here! I've seen less militant butchism at a college LGBA anti testicle rally. Ben? Really? Ben? He's a dillhole. A big, mouth breathing, square headed dillhole. Something tells me he spent a little to much time eating paint chips as a child.

But, he sauteed the paint chips in a lovely burgandy sauce.

What about big 'ol lovable Robert? That white middle class man's answer to Fat Albert? Eh, maybe. He's seems jovial and jolly enough. But, on the other hand, no. No. I can't say I give a shit about him either.

Right now, Robert is wondering how Chef Ramsey would taste with a delightful truffle reduction.

OK, it's safe to say that the men are a lost cause. Alright, Giovanni isn't too much of a screw up, but again, I don't give a shit about him. I have nothing invested in him. Nothing about him makes me care enough to root for his stereotypical Italian ass.

What about the ladies? Well, LA..... wait, I already pretty much summed up my thoughts on that ball of joy. OK, how about that little annoying pushy firecracker, Andrea? Actually, I think most of America is hoping she accidentally gets locked in the freezer over night and has to leave the show after her mouth miraculously freezes shut.

Lacy? Truthfully, I'm still waiting for her team to beat her about the head with frying pans, Three Stooges style.

There's always Colleen. Wait. No. She was booted a couple of weeks ago. I just mention her because she has this MILF quality I totally dig.

Everyone at the FWTC would be very OK with a stern talking to and a spanking from Colleen.

Maybe Carol. Yeah, I think so. I'd root for her. But, let's face it, I only wouldn't mind her winning the contest, because she's the only attractive one left on the show (sorry, Gordon). I don't particularly root for her as the underdog or even really care how she fairs in the over all contest. She's cute. That's pretty much it. That's all it takes for me at this point.

Momma always said, when in doubt, root for the cutie.

If/when Carol gets the axe, I have no reason to watch (but, I'm sure I will out of pure habit). Every show, be it drama, reality, or comedy takes a nose dive when the cute one leaves. This season was struggling for cuties from the start. I hope, beyond hope, that my hunch that the big FOX conglomerate is really in control of who wins and who loses and demands that Carol stay in the running to keep the horny guy demographic. Don't get me wrong, the horny girl demographic will help too, but it's just not as powerful as the horny guy demographic. We're the group that pretty much keeps demanding FOX find vehicles for Eliza Dushku.

Come on. You knew it was going to come back to her.