Historical Tirade #4: Plessy v. Ferguson

By Tresckow

The “Separate, but Equal” decision of 1896

Oh the drugs they had in the 19th century!

Ok, this certainly isn’t when United States judiciary dumassary began, but I’d like to think this is where it got its momentum. “Separate, but equal?” Get the hell out of here! Did these people actually listen to the words coming out of their mouths? Yes, I did take that from Chris Tucker. But he wasn't using it at the time.

This is the exact moment when our illustrious elite Supreme Court decided that a portion of the US population was just as equal as another segment without actually being part of the whole or having the rights of equal education or the right to vote or the right of free speech or the right to a fair trial…. Wow. This sounds like a little slice of heaven. Way to put your feet in the wet cement that would become the tumultuous 1960’s. Bravo old white guys!

Whatever drugs the justices on the Supreme Court were on, I need to partake. Any narcotic that truly makes you believe you can have two segments of the population be completely separated from each other, but contain the same amount of equal rights makes heroin look sooo yesterday.

A black person (no, I’m not using the politically correct term. That’s just ridiculous) is just as equal as whitey until he tries to use a white’s only crapper. If this was true equality all men and women every color and nationality must have the right to take a dump in any restroom they feel like. Well, we have to still segregate by gender. Men can’t lift the toilet seat at home. What makes you think we’re going to do it in a public place?

Historical Tirade #3: Custer’s Last Stand

By Tresckow

Midlife Crisis? Buy a Mustang you egotistical prick!

OK, Custer was an idiot. There, I said it and I'll say it again. Someone had to. Let's face it; George could not do the math. 250 poorly trained, poorly equipped, drunken part time cavalry troops WILL IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM even make a dent in an army of 4, 000 Lakota, Cheyenne, and Arapaho Indians. See what happens when you believe your own hype? You get shot in the chest three times and your entire troop compliment gets scalped (Thank you, France, for introducing that little chestnut to the US).

I will leave my feelings on the poor treatment of the various Indian tribes aside (yes, "Indian". I do not use the PC term). This was just not good planning. Somewhere along the line Custer obtained this illusion of invincibility and superiority. He thrived on it. He was given a battlefield commission of Brigadier General during the US Civil War. He did is job well for the Union Army. Custer then was demoted after the war and slammed back into the rank of Captain. It sort of sucks when all the people you once outranked now determine your fate. Should have been nicer to the minions, George.

So what does he do? He falls into the latest and greatest craze of pushing around assorted Indian tribes. Oppressing the Lakota was in vogue at the time. He's getting up there in years, balding, and I'm pretty sure he was taking fiber supplements. In short, he was going through a mid life crisis. Well, back in the nineteenth century you couldn't buy a sports car to, well, let's say compensate for your short comings. You rounded up a posse and oppressed bands of people weaker than you. That was the problem. The Lakota (and others) were ticked. They weren't the stupid slacked- jawed yokels the papers painted them to be. They organized. Ask Czar Nicholas. When a people organize someone is going down. It had to land on someone and that someone was George Armstrong Custer. Believing in his own greatness he believed the he "didn't need no stinking reconnaissance." He ran on up, opened fire, and found what can only be described as a wall of pretty peeved Lakota shooting at his troops. Check that. A wall of infinitely better equipped Lakota. You can only subjugate a people for so long before they get liquored up and buy guns.

Historical Tirade #2: Benjamin Butler’s Prostitute Law

By Tresckow

All women are whores!

It's a fact (not widespread I'm sure) that Union Major General Benjamin Butler was the military governor of New Orleans during the latter half of the United States Civil War. He was a sharp witted man that ruled the city with a dedicated Union agenda and an iron fist. He was effective in quelling rebellion, choking underground supplies from sympathizers to the Confederate army, and being a less popular political figure than California's Gray Davis.

Butler needed someone other than himself to be in charge of public relations. I understand the need to enforce order as brutally as necessary (how else do you enforce order?), but to declare ANY woman that shows disrespect to a union soldier a prostitute may not have been the best career move. Although I admire his inventiveness, I would have gone another route. Burn down a house, confiscate their valuables, but don't go there, Ben! After all, what does history remember him for? It's not that he privately financed a small unit of gatling guns to protect his troops in battle. It's not for his tactical talents that helped him win skirmishes with the enemy. It's for his ineptitude with women.

With Butler's public relations machine going full force, it's a wonder why New Orleans started to sell chamber pots with his face painted on the inside of them. At least he's still famous in the Big Easy.

Historical Tirade #1: The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere

By Tresckow

OK, as children many of us were taught that historical poem, "Paul Revere's Ride" by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. He is featured in movies, comic strips, PBS cartoons, and amateur historical books written by people who think watching The History Channel is equivalent to earning a PhD.

Where, may I ask, is William Dawes mentioned? Dawes also rode out of Boston to warn patriots at Lexington and Concord of the approaching British. I'm sorry Mr. Dawes; your name doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. We'll just write you out of history for the crime of having a last name that doesn't rhyme with "Listen my children and you shall hear…" Paul Revere has a statue. William Dawes has a question in the "Obscure History" column of Jeopardy.

Paul Revere has had it too good for too long. William Dawes is not the Sonny to his Cher, the Teller to his Penn, the Ringo to his rest of the Beatles…. We're onto you Mr. Revere. Your historical shenanigans will eventually come to an end.