AOL Chat: Home of the Mental Giant

By Tresckow

Like all people, I sometimes jump on a chat site when I'm bored or procrastinating. After a few years of attempting to pass the time chatting to people who have interests similar to my own, I came to one conclusion. Ninety-nine percent of the people in AOL chat rooms are simply too stupid to exist in the real world. Now, either these potatoes leave their personalities and common sense at the door before they enter a chat room or they are really that stupid to begin with. If it's the latter, then AOL provides a convenient place for chuckle heads to hang out without over exerting themselves. In either case, AOL chatters, for the most part, are too stupid to breathe.

Typical AOL chat user.

Let's just agree that NO ONE in an AOL chat room is who they say they are. I mean, come on, why would you be the same boring ol person in an anonymous world? Grab a pic off Google and make it your own. Instead of being male, 5' 4", and 250 pounds you can be male, 6' 2" 200 pounds. And be well endowed. VERY well endowed. On AOL, your junk can have its own zip code. Wait, let's not forget the ladies. Let's say you look more like the old lady from "Throw Momma from the Train" than Eliza Dushku... well screw that! Get Eliza's pic and photo shop the hell out of it. It's all about effort, people. We all know it's a lie. But we will give points for creativity.

Eliza Dushku

You

OK, it's all in good fun right? After all, if two, three, or more people can find some cyber fun in this crazy, mixed up world great for them. I think the problem lies with 5 of the most common asshats on AOL chat.

Chatter. James Chatter
1. The chatter that insists his lie is real
OK, like most Americans, British, and Aussies, I love a good cyber lie. AOL chat lies are simple. You're not a single guy living in your mom's basement. You're a hot, sexy surfer dude (or dudette, as is often the case) who owns his own chain of laundromats. You even have some screen caps of real people (not you) as "proof." But, uh oh, the jig is up. You were caught in your lie. All of a sudden that "hot 20 something lesbian" you've been chatting with in an attempt to get all moist catches on. Hey! You're not a car show model at all are you? Human nature dictates that all chatters must maintain the lie. No matter what. Stick with the story. Make it grander, create a back story. Name fictitious friends and such. Cling to it like a James Bond cover story! When all is said and done, you've spent more time developing your online character than getting actual cyber sex. Congratulations, you're a tool.

Be werry werry quiet. I'm hunting pics.
2. The quintessential pic hunter
This avid collector of internet photographs is a royal pain in the ass. They will stop at nothing to add to their collection. Perhaps, you've come across this person and their witty "Got pics" instant message? That's right. "Got pics?" is the new "got milk." They try to pretend that they are just trying to put a face to the screen name... or that screen name's wife, husband, sister, goat, whatever. But, in reality, they must feed that ever growing collection of pics. Who knows what they're going to do with those pics? The smart money is that they will use them in an attempt to occasionally become asshat chatter number 1 above. Of course, there are much worse things the pic hunter can do with/to the pic. Beware!



3. The stakes raiser
The stakes raiser is joined at the hip with the quintessential pic hunter. Should you placate the pic hunter with a photo or two (of a person that may or may not be you or even someone you know) they instinctively raise the stakes. Often, after a friendly exchange of pics you'll get "Got more?" OK, maybe you do have more. So, being the nice cyber neighbor you are, you send a few. Batten down the hatches for "Got nudes?" There is just no way this person can function in real life, right? Right? Seriously. Right?


4. The lazy chatter/one word response guy
This person is a true gem. We all know the art of conversation died with Al Gore and his internet invention. Typing is hard. Too hard. Especially if it's being done with one hand. Eh...eh.... You will recognize this genius with the classic responses of

Hot
Cool
Neat
Ha
LOL
Nice

The general rule of thumb is to kick this poor bastard to the curb after the third "nice." Imagine if we did that in real life. Wait, some people do. They're called assholes.


5. The dumb question guy
People are even dumber on chat than they are in real life... if you can imagine. Mainly, it's because they don't have to deal with the consequences of their sphincter tightening stupidity. So, what the hell? Be as stupid as you want. You can just close out the chat if your puzler hurts.

Case in point, let's say you've created a chat room entitled "My girlfriend is so damn hot you will blow a load in your pants just by looking at her" Pretty simple and straight forward, right? You would think so. Inevitably, you will get an influx of IMs that read "Is she hot?" Yes, friends, these are living, breathing people. It's all spelled out for them, but for some reason, they can't get their two cylinder brains wrapped around it. If people aren't going to pay attention in the real world, they're going to pay even less attention in the cyber one.

Oh, there are so many more mental giants of the AOL chat world; more than can be summed up in this article. The downfall of human society has never been so fun!