NO MEANS NO! I don't want to buy the crap you're peddling!

By Tresckow

I will reach through this phone and strangle you!

It never fails. Even in this turd burger of an economy, there are hundreds if not thousands of crap pushing (not a gay joke) sales people desperately trying to sell you junk you don't have a need for; let alone the money to buy. They're everywhere; on the phone, spam in your email, going door to door with their damn little boxes of cookies that have been so reduced in size thin mint might as well be a Junior Mint. But, I digress...

Pretty much the actual size of a
Girl Scouts of America Thin Mint cookie

I understand that they have a job to do. Their job is to find as many people to buy their products as possible. I get how the capitalist system works. But, this time tested system takes a very ugly turn when the salesman REFUSES TO BELIEVE you don't want their product.

Just like in cases of date rape and window shopping at an Audi dealer, no means no. That's right, I said no. I may be insane for not wanting to part with my cash in these desperate times in the US, but dude, I don't want what you're selling. Accept it. Move on.

The best call screener of all time.

Some sales people are gracious about it. "OK, sir, please keep us in mind when you're ready to purchase colostomy bags." I can deal with that. They know when to quit. The realize that with this failed sale there may be a successful one in the next call. Or the next one. Or the next one. Or the next one. Or the......

Yesterday, I had this asshat outright REFUSE to take no for an answer. This was in a professional capacity, so unlike my normal response of "Shove a cactus up your ass and spin" I had to react in a more... um... professional manner. Oh, but my inner monologue was raging.

"If I could just schedule a conference with you and show you what our service can do..." Again, at the office, cant slam the phone down or tell him how I saw his mother with three guys and a midget in the bus station bathroom. I had to be... professional. But even professionals get tired of dealing with shit. Next thing I know, I got this meeting appointment in my email. I've heard of hard sells, but this is basically sales rape. No means no.

So, I figure I'll just humor him. Lead him on. And then like my high school crush, wait until the last minute to not put out. I guess, in lieu of being left alone, I'll settle giving him the proverbial salesman blue balls. Now, I just want him to question his life and contemplate throwing himself in front of a bus. Not to die. No, that would be cruel. I just want him to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.

See? Even potatoes can be happy, in their own simple way.