NO MEANS NO! I don't want to buy the crap you're peddling!

By Tresckow

I will reach through this phone and strangle you!

It never fails. Even in this turd burger of an economy, there are hundreds if not thousands of crap pushing (not a gay joke) sales people desperately trying to sell you junk you don't have a need for; let alone the money to buy. They're everywhere; on the phone, spam in your email, going door to door with their damn little boxes of cookies that have been so reduced in size thin mint might as well be a Junior Mint. But, I digress...

Pretty much the actual size of a
Girl Scouts of America Thin Mint cookie

I understand that they have a job to do. Their job is to find as many people to buy their products as possible. I get how the capitalist system works. But, this time tested system takes a very ugly turn when the salesman REFUSES TO BELIEVE you don't want their product.

Just like in cases of date rape and window shopping at an Audi dealer, no means no. That's right, I said no. I may be insane for not wanting to part with my cash in these desperate times in the US, but dude, I don't want what you're selling. Accept it. Move on.

The best call screener of all time.

Some sales people are gracious about it. "OK, sir, please keep us in mind when you're ready to purchase colostomy bags." I can deal with that. They know when to quit. The realize that with this failed sale there may be a successful one in the next call. Or the next one. Or the next one. Or the next one. Or the......

Yesterday, I had this asshat outright REFUSE to take no for an answer. This was in a professional capacity, so unlike my normal response of "Shove a cactus up your ass and spin" I had to react in a more... um... professional manner. Oh, but my inner monologue was raging.

"If I could just schedule a conference with you and show you what our service can do..." Again, at the office, cant slam the phone down or tell him how I saw his mother with three guys and a midget in the bus station bathroom. I had to be... professional. But even professionals get tired of dealing with shit. Next thing I know, I got this meeting appointment in my email. I've heard of hard sells, but this is basically sales rape. No means no.

So, I figure I'll just humor him. Lead him on. And then like my high school crush, wait until the last minute to not put out. I guess, in lieu of being left alone, I'll settle giving him the proverbial salesman blue balls. Now, I just want him to question his life and contemplate throwing himself in front of a bus. Not to die. No, that would be cruel. I just want him to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.

See? Even potatoes can be happy, in their own simple way.

An Extra Special Look Into a Rather Sleepless Night of a Diagnosed Insomniac

By Tresckow

Insomnia is great!

No, really.

How else would one experience the frustration of being awake and wired at 3 in the morning? You people who fall right to sleep as soon as your head hits the pillow don’t know what you’re missing.

There are a great many theories and medical explanations as to why insomnia occurs. It could be a shortage or over abundance of certain chemicals in the brain. It could be emotional issues. It could be stress. I like to think that it’s a knee slapping practical joke put on by the Sandman. That magic sleep dust carrying douche.

Not this Sandman.

But what happens when one is enduring the night while sleep has given him the finger? The easiest way to explain it is to track it:

1:00 AM

Realized it was 1 AM and I was still on the computer. Cursed taking two prescription medicines that keep me awake while they fight it out in my internal Thunderdome. I get frustrated, but try not to over think it. After all, thinking too much contributes to insomnia. I’m sure the Sandman is just running late. Right?

2:00 AM

I decide to go to bed and tough it out. I mean, come on! Who’s boss here? I am, damn it! I silently walk into the bedroom, only tripping over one cat. I fall into bed. Nope. Nothing. The Sandman asshole hasn’t hit my doorstep yet. Maybe he’s late. I do my best to clear my head of white noise. Oh, but wait, that makes it even worse. All of a sudden a tune from Bel Biv Devo pops into my head. Bel Biv Devo? Really? Are you kidding me? I hate them more than ever now. Yo! Sandman? You stuck in traffic?

You FUCKERS!

3:30 AM

I eventually get Bel Biv Devo out of my head; only to be replaced by some crappy top 40s song I inadvertently heard on the way home from work. Oh how I hate “modern” rock. It’s the equivalent of what Volkswagen did to the Beetle in the 90s…. made it look bad and suck. So I try to think about something else. Damn it! I shouldn’t be thinking at all. It’s friggin almost 4 in the morning! I suddenly want something bad to happen to the Sandman.

4:00 AM

My cats are acting like assholes. This is about the time. How can a sweet kitty prevent a grown man from sleeping? Especially when he’s soooooooo cute??

I must break you.

This little guy is hungry for some breakfast; an hour early. How does he express this hunger? He friggin poll vaults on the bed. Every two minutes he launches himself on the bed and uses the human beings on top as some sort of living, breathing pommel horse. He’s done this for years. He won’t stop. He’ll never stop. He will annoy. It’s what he does. It’s all he does! If I see the Sandman now, I’m going to kill him.

And I won't use any wimpy bullshit Peter Parker techniques, either.

5:00 AM

I relent and get my sorry ass out of bed to feed the cats; ungrateful bastards. I’m WIDE awake now. So, I get back on the computer to mess around with this blog. Yup, that’s the most constructive thing I can come up with. I tool around on Facebook… blah blah blah. It occurs to me that I might as well just stay up, since I have to get up in a little over two hours. But NO! Screw that Sandman son of a bitch. I don’t need him.

5:30 AM

Back in bed. Drifting off once in a while. Luckily, whenever I do someone (animal or human) is there to snap me out of it. I start wishing it was Friday. The disappointment that it is only Wednesday pisses me off. And that does wonders for my insomnia. Excellent! Now I’m pissed that it’s not Friday. Whoohooo!

That smug son-of-a-bitch knows it's Wednesday.

6:00 – 7:00 AM

Manage to catch sleep in 10 minute chunks. It’s sort of like losing consciousness when you’re drunk. Not when you’re REALLY drunk; that’s just vomiting and passing out (not necessarily in that order, mind you). I get into that comfy stage.. that blissful realm between being awake and falling asleep. You know…that realm you’re supposed to be in within FIVE HOURS of going to bed! Sandman, if I ever get a hold of you, get a car battery and anally electrocute you!

Guess where the other clamp is going?

7:45 AM

My alarm goes off. What? Are you shitting me? I just fell asleep like ten minutes ago!

7:46 AM

Email work and tell them I’m going to be late. Then I go back to bed.

It’s called a chicken bacon ranch sandwich for a reason

By Tresckow

OK, I don't expect anyone working at a Subway to be a mental giant. I don't expect them to secretly be a talented baroque artist in their spare time. However, I do expect they have more to bring to the job than a pulse.

I went to the gym today. Yes, I'm bragging. I actually went today. That's two days in a row, baby! That's beside the point. After I ended my INTENSE MUSCLE BLASTING SKULL CRUSHING workout (or some variation thereof) I had some running around to do. The same ol same ol stuff…. find a place to fill up my gas tank without paying $25 a gallon, go to the ATM, blah blah blah. All in all, mundane stuff. Beneath it all, I had no idea where I was going to get food.

Let me set the stage for you. The wife is out of town (hence the posting on Arizona). When The Wife is out of town, I don't eat much. It's not that I don't cook; it's just that I don't cook. She's better at it. I instantly revert back to college life; making a pizza last three days, stealing food from work, eating peanut butter and chips, etc.

So, I was hungry. Subway ended up being on my way home. I figured, "Sure, I'll stop at the poor substitute for Quiznos." I parked and walked in. I was behind one other dude fumbling around the menu. I knew exactly what I wanted- a good old twelve inch toasted chicken bacon ranch sub. The 12 year old behind the counter asked me what I wanted.

A twelve inch toasted chicken bacon ranch, please.

He starts putting it together. "Do you want bacon with that?" I stared blankly at him. Seriously? Yes, I would like bacon on my toasted twelve inch chicken bacon ranch sandwich.

"Would you like that toasted?"

OK, he had to be fucking with me. YES. I would like my toasted twelve inch chicken bacon ranch sandwich toasted.

*Ding. It's toasted. "Would you like ranch with that?"

It was all I could do to keep my feet planted on the floor and not jump over the cheap Plexiglas and throttle him with a loaf of Italian four cheese bread.

What the hell? Is society that stupid? Am I going to have to order a seemingly simple entrée by the ingredient from now on? You have to be shitting me. This just proves my point. We, as a society, are not beating our children enough.

Historical Tirade #4: Plessy v. Ferguson

By Tresckow

The “Separate, but Equal” decision of 1896

Oh the drugs they had in the 19th century!

Ok, this certainly isn’t when United States judiciary dumassary began, but I’d like to think this is where it got its momentum. “Separate, but equal?” Get the hell out of here! Did these people actually listen to the words coming out of their mouths? Yes, I did take that from Chris Tucker. But he wasn't using it at the time.

This is the exact moment when our illustrious elite Supreme Court decided that a portion of the US population was just as equal as another segment without actually being part of the whole or having the rights of equal education or the right to vote or the right of free speech or the right to a fair trial…. Wow. This sounds like a little slice of heaven. Way to put your feet in the wet cement that would become the tumultuous 1960’s. Bravo old white guys!

Whatever drugs the justices on the Supreme Court were on, I need to partake. Any narcotic that truly makes you believe you can have two segments of the population be completely separated from each other, but contain the same amount of equal rights makes heroin look sooo yesterday.

A black person (no, I’m not using the politically correct term. That’s just ridiculous) is just as equal as whitey until he tries to use a white’s only crapper. If this was true equality all men and women every color and nationality must have the right to take a dump in any restroom they feel like. Well, we have to still segregate by gender. Men can’t lift the toilet seat at home. What makes you think we’re going to do it in a public place?

Historical Tirade #3: Custer’s Last Stand

By Tresckow

Midlife Crisis? Buy a Mustang you egotistical prick!

OK, Custer was an idiot. There, I said it and I'll say it again. Someone had to. Let's face it; George could not do the math. 250 poorly trained, poorly equipped, drunken part time cavalry troops WILL IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM even make a dent in an army of 4, 000 Lakota, Cheyenne, and Arapaho Indians. See what happens when you believe your own hype? You get shot in the chest three times and your entire troop compliment gets scalped (Thank you, France, for introducing that little chestnut to the US).

I will leave my feelings on the poor treatment of the various Indian tribes aside (yes, "Indian". I do not use the PC term). This was just not good planning. Somewhere along the line Custer obtained this illusion of invincibility and superiority. He thrived on it. He was given a battlefield commission of Brigadier General during the US Civil War. He did is job well for the Union Army. Custer then was demoted after the war and slammed back into the rank of Captain. It sort of sucks when all the people you once outranked now determine your fate. Should have been nicer to the minions, George.

So what does he do? He falls into the latest and greatest craze of pushing around assorted Indian tribes. Oppressing the Lakota was in vogue at the time. He's getting up there in years, balding, and I'm pretty sure he was taking fiber supplements. In short, he was going through a mid life crisis. Well, back in the nineteenth century you couldn't buy a sports car to, well, let's say compensate for your short comings. You rounded up a posse and oppressed bands of people weaker than you. That was the problem. The Lakota (and others) were ticked. They weren't the stupid slacked- jawed yokels the papers painted them to be. They organized. Ask Czar Nicholas. When a people organize someone is going down. It had to land on someone and that someone was George Armstrong Custer. Believing in his own greatness he believed the he "didn't need no stinking reconnaissance." He ran on up, opened fire, and found what can only be described as a wall of pretty peeved Lakota shooting at his troops. Check that. A wall of infinitely better equipped Lakota. You can only subjugate a people for so long before they get liquored up and buy guns.

Historical Tirade #2: Benjamin Butler’s Prostitute Law

By Tresckow

All women are whores!

It's a fact (not widespread I'm sure) that Union Major General Benjamin Butler was the military governor of New Orleans during the latter half of the United States Civil War. He was a sharp witted man that ruled the city with a dedicated Union agenda and an iron fist. He was effective in quelling rebellion, choking underground supplies from sympathizers to the Confederate army, and being a less popular political figure than California's Gray Davis.

Butler needed someone other than himself to be in charge of public relations. I understand the need to enforce order as brutally as necessary (how else do you enforce order?), but to declare ANY woman that shows disrespect to a union soldier a prostitute may not have been the best career move. Although I admire his inventiveness, I would have gone another route. Burn down a house, confiscate their valuables, but don't go there, Ben! After all, what does history remember him for? It's not that he privately financed a small unit of gatling guns to protect his troops in battle. It's not for his tactical talents that helped him win skirmishes with the enemy. It's for his ineptitude with women.

With Butler's public relations machine going full force, it's a wonder why New Orleans started to sell chamber pots with his face painted on the inside of them. At least he's still famous in the Big Easy.

Historical Tirade #1: The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere

By Tresckow

OK, as children many of us were taught that historical poem, "Paul Revere's Ride" by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. He is featured in movies, comic strips, PBS cartoons, and amateur historical books written by people who think watching The History Channel is equivalent to earning a PhD.

Where, may I ask, is William Dawes mentioned? Dawes also rode out of Boston to warn patriots at Lexington and Concord of the approaching British. I'm sorry Mr. Dawes; your name doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. We'll just write you out of history for the crime of having a last name that doesn't rhyme with "Listen my children and you shall hear…" Paul Revere has a statue. William Dawes has a question in the "Obscure History" column of Jeopardy.

Paul Revere has had it too good for too long. William Dawes is not the Sonny to his Cher, the Teller to his Penn, the Ringo to his rest of the Beatles…. We're onto you Mr. Revere. Your historical shenanigans will eventually come to an end.

Banning tag? Butch up you whimps

By Tresckow

OK. So it had to happen eventually. Some touchy feely school banned tag. Reread that, please. Banned tag. TAG! What in the bloody hell for? Yes, I said bloody hell. That in itself is a long story.

Back to the subject at hand. Banning tag. You whining, tofu eating, overly sensitive, corn lickers! You managed to ban a playground game that has been around since George Washington was vandalizing his father's property. Nice going fuzznuts. It's tag! Holy shit, look out, you may be IT!

Hide and seek will be banned, because it's too much like stalking.

Dodge ball will be kicked to the curb because the kids with weak throwing arms and poor accuracy are having self esteem issues (not to mention the pummeling they take).

Capture the flag will be regarded as a paramilitary exercise. In an effort to make all the participants feel special EVERYONE will get their own flag. Everyone is a winner!!

Where the hell does it end? We are breeding a nation of pussies I swear. As soon as they replaced the mix of wood chips and rocks below the swings and jungle gyms with allergy safe foam rubber mats is when we started going downhill.

The school was quoted as saying: "It causes a lot of conflict on the playground," said Cindy Fesgen, assistant principal of the Discovery Canyon Campus school. "

NO SHIT? Playground conflicts? At school? I don't believe you. Liars! No, wait. It's a fucking playground. There is supposed to be conflict. You're right. Let's wait for the kids to grow up and have their first lesson in conflict in college. Why slowly expose the kids to the fact that there is conflict in the world in a controlled environment with relatively minor and harmless issues. "You took my Legos!"

Better yet, do away with physical activities all together and stick with the drug dealing that typically goes on in most school playgrounds. I hate you.

There is an obesity epidemic in the US. I'm serious. In my day there were maybe two fat kids in a class. I mean FAT. Wash yourself with a rag on a stick, fat. Of course there were some overweight kids too. But, holy shit on a lawnmower, it was by no means acceptable. You're kid is fat. Why? The others are fit. Why? Football, track, basketball, running from the police, etc. Where do children learn that physical activity is a good thing? If you said "their parents" you are wrong. Parents don't want to be bothered with little things like teaching values, morals, or life lessons. That's what television and public schools are for. No. Kids learn a lot of these lessons when they are young in school. Now, they are learning to sit there, shut up, and don't play competitive games, because it will make someone feel bad.

Kids are FAT, not PHAT. Instead of getting the fat ones up to the level of the not so fat (there are relatively few "thin" kids anymore) we are quite content to keep everyone on the same fat ass level. It's ok to be a hostess pie eating fat ass mother chucker. I respect your feelings. Fuck you!

I hate this article and mind set so much I taste bile. If and when I have children I am simply going to keep it real. No lying. "Son/daughter. Your classmates are assholes. Do not be an asshole. Little assholes turn into grown up assholes who beget more assholes."

You can find the original shit enducing article here in Forbes: http://www.forbes.com/feeds/ap/2007/08/30/ap4067513.html

"Last Stop Vienna"- What the hell? A blurb about the dumbest book I've read yet

By Tresckow

I started reading the book believing it was about something totally the opposite of how it ended. Does that make sense? It begins as a good illustration into just what kind of people in 1920s Germany enlisted into the Brown Shirts, then the SA, and ultimately, the SS. I thought that was excellent... really getting into the mind of a troubled angry youth that did what thousands of others did. The SA gave the angry, brutish, and the uneducated a place to belong. They just had to sell their souls. That I got. Nagorski's depiction of the main character's mindset I got. The reacton of the main character's wife as she detests his beliefs, I got. It went so well until...well honestly around the time Geli (Hitler's niece) was introduced. It departed ifrom ts roots and really became a dirty novel with facist undertones. I'm not totally sure exactly what the description of the sexual encounters added to the story, though. It wasn't like "OH I GET IT! NOW I understand why the SA destroyed all those Jewish stores during the Night of Broken Glass. That paragraph describing Karl's sexual encounter with an STD ridden hooker really cleared things up!" To each his own, I guess.

Maybe it was the main character, himself, that let me down. Another reviewer said it correctly, HE LEARNS NOTHING. After a while it's just outright annoying to see him walk around in the same stupifying haze he began the book in.

The ending, well I don't want to give it away if you plan on reading this book... but it was unexpected. Here, the final departure from what the book initially promised to be occurs. You're left with a WTF reaction. Not so much for the sheer emotion or drama in the climax of the story, but for the "damn it, the book outright lied to me! " type reaction. Again, it may just be me. But really. What the hell? The book ends after the strange and almost silly climax. You have no real idea what the ramifications are.

If you want to read a book with a decent grasp on history with an ok fictional component, this may be worth your while. If you can get over the idiocy of the main character and simply enjoy a piece of well written fiction, read this book. If you have some time to kill, read this book. It's an easy read. I'd borrow it or buy it at a deep discount. Or you will end up like me...not knowing what to do with it after you're done. I almost feel dirty for placing it in the bookcase with my other books. I can hear them make fun of it. Basically, this book is the reason why I normally do not read historical fiction.

Last Stop Vienna: A Novel
Andrew Nagorski

Arizona, why do you think you're better than the rest of us?

By Tresckow

Just who in the hell do you think you are, Arizona? Really? You are too good to abide by daylight savings time? You pompous ass slappers!

Are you too good to fall in line with the rest of the US? Is being Arizona that fucking wonderful? BULLSHIT! You sons-a-bitches think you can flagrantly throw away tradition and "be your own state."

OK, screw tradition. How about practicality? How about providing an atmosphere of clarity? How about fucking admitting you are in the Mountain time zone? You basically pick your shitty angry Apache ridden, sand encrusted state up every spring and moved it exactly one time zone to the West. So for over half the year you sand humpers pretend to be a West coast state. The rest of us in the good 'ol USA have to do friggin math..no wait..MORE friggin math in order to figure out what time zone you are this week. Last time I checked you sun burned canyon jockeys were UNDER UTAH. Utah is in the Mountain time zone. What's the matter? You don't want to be like Utah?

OK, I'll give you this; daylight savings time is a crock of day old poo. And not just any crock. One of those fine crocks with a digital display you get from JC Penney. It's sort of like why families put out that God awful, ancient Christmas lawn decorations. No one really remembers why they do it. It's just something that's always been done. They can't go a year without setting up that plastic Santa with his jolly 'ol red pants around his ankles in the front yard. Yeah yeah…it was done to accommodate the farmers and give them one more hour of daylight to harvest with. Yeah, I get that. We're mechanized now, jackholes! But, I digress.

I'll lay it out on the line you "Four Corners" cornholes. If you're not with us, you're against us. The last time a state made such a bold statement was when Georgia left the Union waaaaay back in 1861. Is that it? Is that your game? You secessionist fucks. I'm just saying it's been too long since we've used the army to invade one of our own states.

Another Lakota Uprising...some people never learn..

By Tresckow

Holy shit! http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,317548,00.html

I'm so divided, yet jazzed on this issue. I've studied the Apache, Cheyenne, and Lakota for years. We all know the treaties are shit. The US was just hoping that, over time, it would be forgotten and the various tribes would be assimilated.

As I see it, one of three things will happen

1. This is a political move for the Lakota. The days of the arrow flinging, galloping Indian warrior are over. Today, they gallop on the senate floor. This is a statement of great proportions and they know this will embarrass the government enough to speed up the Sitting Bull monument

2. Other tribes will follow. Shit, I can see the nations that gave the US the most problems: Apache, Cheyenne, Navajo, Crow... all doing something similar. Eventually either the US will come to the new treaty table or just ignore the whole thing

3. The US will revert back to its old Geronimo Campaign ways and send out the calvary.

Of all of the above, the third is the least likely. We've gone to war with other nations for doing less to their minority populations. Just call them Kurds and we have a global soap opera on our hands. The second possibility is more likely, but I garun-damn-tee that none of the tribes with legal rights to run casinos will join the movement. Out of all of them, the first possibility stands as the most plausible. They are pissed. Most of the treaties they've signed are null and void our of sheer outdatedness. The US government will capitulate and, in an order to save face, will pretty much meet any reasonable demands given to them. As I said, I'm divided. I'm a Unionist at heart, but I have a special place in my heart for the Indians of the plains and Southwest. All in all, this is still pretty awesome. It's a little bit of the 19th century in the 21st.

Begin the begeen

By Tresckow

So this is just another in a long line of "humor" groups, sites, clubs on the internet. Or is it? Yes. Yes, it is.

It is important for everyone to have an outlet of some sort. Some vent by setting fire to dumpsters outside their college dorms. Others by dressing up in spandex and leather chaps. Others, still, put their worthless opinions and observations on the interweb. I am the latter. I don't own spandex or leather chaps. Also, I don't set fires. Boy Scouts taught me better than that.

So, what can you expect from this blog? Nothing. Set your expectations for low. This is therapy. It can be therapy for you. But, when it comes down to it, this is for my enjoyment. Hopefully, it will be for yours too.

Sit back and buckle up. Who knows what horrors will be unleashed. Maybe, just maybe we can make a difference in this kooky world. But, if that can't happen, maybe we can bring down some of the world with us.