Top 4 Most Self Important Facebook Status Messages

By Tresckow

Only the good Lord and his closed circuit television system knows why half of us are on Facebook. Some want to genuinely seek out and rekindle old friendships. You know, with old high school classmates they never really cared about in the first place. Others want an easy, lazy man's way to keep in contact with people they've met more recently/see on a daily basis. This helps them avoid any semblance of letter writing and completing full sentences. Then again, there are others that honestly believe the world needs them to participate as much as humanly possible in the social media realm. Sure, it's cool if you want to tell us you're goldfish died or you got into a bar fight with a chimp. But, dude, crank down the pomposity a few notches before you overload my wall with bullshit ego inflating status messages.

1. The Over Achiever
This is the person that MUST communicate how busily fantastic their day to day routine is. They're just so damn busy with work, meetings, AIDS research, curing the common cold, and rebuilding the Colosseum. But, they always have enough time to tell you that they are a multitasking god.

Hey, so what if the rest of us can barely walk and chew gum at the same time? Piss off! Ooooooooooo.. you can play tennis, run a board meeting, and change your underwear simultaneously. Eat a colon. I'm happy if I can write an email and drink a friggin soda at the same time. I sure as hell don't brag about it on FB.

Most annoying FB status message: LOL! I have a big presentation to give to our board of directors, coach my kid's soccer game, AND play racket ball! Life is nonstop!

Our reply: Eat shit. We know the only way you're multitasking like a humming bird on crack is, because you are, indeed, on crack.

2. The Workout Freak
Oh, how I loathe this guy. Every thirty minutes we're treated to "Just did an AB SHREDDING WORKOUT! Now for a 10 mile run before pilates." This self centered jackhole NEEDS his FB buddies to know he's a friggin physical fitness icon. Holy shit, this guy is so busy pumping iron and doing squat thrusts that he doesn't have the time to sit at his computer. He has to update his status message via cell phone in mid thrust. We don't care, asshole!

When this dill weed isn't telling us how much fat he's burned or how much the tractor trailer he pulled with his teeth weighed, he boo hoos when he's not doing some sort of Spartan warrior- like workout. We get it, dick. You're on steroids and excessive exercising helps reign in the roid rage.

Most annoying FB status message: "Dude! I just did sit ups till I puked! Now I'm gonna swim until I grow gills! LOL LOL"

Our reply: We hope you drown in the pool.

3. The Obsessed Parent
Isn't having kids great? Wait, don't answer that. This parental douche will do that for you. Pride in your offspring is one thing, Being outright obsessed and unable to function without looping everything back to your seed is the sign of being a jackass.

You can easily recognize the symptoms of this particular FB status message abuser. Firstly, before you even get to the status message, you can't help but notice that every damn picture on the page has something to do with their kid. Awww look, little Jimmy is eating cake! Awww, isn't that cute? Little Jimmy is taking a nap! Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, look at this pic! Little Jimmy is taking a dump on the Christmas presents! Yeah, fucking adorable.

Adorable.

But, the FB status messages boast their children and parental skills while simultaneously belittling everyone without a child. Oh, they may not do so outright, but they're doing it. As if their relentless status messages about how their diaper shitter loves dirt or how hilarious it is that their rug rat likes to stick his fingers in electric sockets is going to make our childless ovaries and testicles tingle with envy. Mine tingle, but for other reasons.

What? Are you new here? You knew I where I was going with that.

Most annoying FB status message: It's HILARIOUS how little Jimmy giggles and waves to himself in the mirror! You HAVE TO BE HERE!

Our response: Little Jimmy is retarded. Retards do that all the time. Better invest in some brightly colored blocks and drool resistant furniture.

4. The Social/Political Cause Idiot
Judas Priest riding a Brontosaurus backwards! These sphincters can't go a day without attempting to incite some sort of FB riot for a cause they believe in. Firstly, stop believing in things. It just turns you into a festering asshole. Secondly, if you insist on believing in shit, shut the fuck up about it! FB is for half hearted birthday messages and mindless surveys not to use as a soap box. Get off before I knock you off with a bat.

It really doesn't matter what the cause is, what political party they're endorsing/slamming, etc. It all comes down to the same thing. You're a melodramatic whiny dipshit. You are not Martin Luther and FB is not a church door. Stop trying to nail your virtual thesis to my wall, jackass!

Problem

Solution

Most annoying FB status message: I told you all this would happen! We have to band together and show those government clowns that we are sensitive, intelligent human beings! I'm going to get my picket sign and protest on the White House lawn! Those Republicans/Democrats/capitalist pigs won't know what hit them! Their supporters are rednecks and stupid too. Who's with me!!??

Our response:

Still have to go with the baseball bat on this one.