American Idol: Stop Turning Television Into a House of LIES

By Roode

American Idol. Oh, how I want it to die a slow, painful death. It ruins television schedules, capitalizes on the viewers' stupidity, and churns out slap nut after slap nut of "singers" that end up disappearing from clear view after a year. "But, Roode," you say. "What about Rubin and Clay?" Trust me. No one is talking about Clay Aiken's singing.


Above all the other atrocities and entertainment crimes against humanity, there are two that rise to the top. Two that are, not only shitty television cliches, but outright lies! No, neither involves Paula Abdul's obvious drug abuse or penchant for drooling. If anything, that makes me laugh until I pee. I'm speaking of the blatant lies Ryan Seacrest utters every time a damn American Idol commercial runs on TV. "You never know what's going to happen" and "Anything can happen." Liar liar pants on fire American Idol!


#1. You never know what's going to happen

The LIE:
Part of the reason millions of mouth breathers tune in every God awful week is because they know EXACTLY what's going to happen. A bunch of slacked jawed pissants are going to stand up on stage, sing with varying degrees of shame and assholery, and someone will get voted off. Holy shit in a picnic basket! That's earth shattering stuff!

Hold on to your mantle, Earth. American Idol's repetitive bullshit is about to unload.

It even goes beyond that. Every sewage gargling minute is identical to the same minute from the previous show. It's the same order, same comments, same audience chants, and the same bullshit background segments. The contestants get shafted with a genre of song they've never tried before or put a spin on a time tested classic that makes us long for karaoke night at the Ball and Shaft Tavern.

Why the hell isn't Animal on this show?

How to make it true:
Shake it up. Throw your tried and true formula out and rain down the change. Singer sings, Simon pisses all over their parade, Randy says "dawg" and Paula Abdul slurs for five minutes about vicodin. What if, somewhere in there, the contestant was made to go through a "Double Dare-esq" obstacle course? Instead of pudding and baked beans, you would have boiling water and rusty nails to crawl through. It happens sporadically throughout the broadcast. A buzzer goes off in the middle of some douche's song and BAM! That's it. Time for the obstacle course. Wait, did we forget to mention the rabid wolverine hiding somewhere around the pre chewed liver pool? We're sure you'll do fine.

Like this, except with live gun fire, battery acid, and Heinrich Himmler as the host.

A nice anal electrocution every now and then would put Tabasco on American Idol's taco. Missed a note: BUZZ. Wearing a 1950s style fedora: BUZZ. Pretending to cry when someone is kicked to the curb; BUZZ. The shock wouldn't be fatal, mind you. It would just be strong enough to make the contestant lose bowel and bladder control.

Holy shit, would this guy's poop chute be smoking! Wait... nevermind, it's too easy.

Use a judge who has Turrets syndrome. No, I don't mean for the amusement pretending Porky Pig was on the show. Although, you know we all would. I mean for the impromptu obscenities. That would be awesome! Imagine, in the middle of his stuttering critique he lets loose with a "Fuck ass!" or a "Lick a whale's dick!" It would be one hour of non stop surprises. Who doesn't want to hear the occasional shout of "Head cheese and cupcake anus!" during Randy Jackson's drivel? When it comes down to it, though, this person would still be more understandable than Paula Abdul.

The bartender with Turrets from The Boondock Saints would be perfect!

#2. Anything can happen

The LIE:
Bullshit. I call bullshit. That is an outright, wiping your ass with sandpaper, lie. As mentioned above, EVERYTHING happens on schedule. It's all preplanned and choreographed. It's no friggin secret how it all works. Oh, everyone loves the first few episodes in the season where we get to see all the terrible singers trying to grab the balls of stardom. I'm sure more than one viewer has asked themselves "How do these people make it through to the judges if they're screened first?" A HA! It's planned, bitches. When the producers pack all the wannabe contestants in their respective audition concentration camps, there's a plan. Scouts search for the worst talents they can find for shits and giggles. It's written in the SCRIPT that a predetermined number of freaks, numb skulls, and paste eaters get passed to the next level. Remember William Hung? That shit was on purpose!

You son of a bitch!

And now everyone who couldn't carry a tune if it was jammed up their ass sideways gets an audition. OK, I'll grant you that for the first two years there were dill weeds that really believed they had talent. Somewhere along the line, mommy told them that they were special. I think the lines of communication were crossed. Mommy obviously meant "special" as a nice way to say retarded.

I want to be on American Idol! YAY!

This fact makes the protests of these cross eyed fucktards all the more fabricated. Asshole, you know you're terrible. You pooped yourself trying to reach that high note. Dogs ran away from you in droves. The judges started throwing batteries at you. Bitching after they fail your ass just tells us that you want your five minutes of fame... no matter how degrading and sad.

At least he knew he was terrible. We think..

How to make it true:
Randomness. That's right. The only way to honestly say that the viewer will never know what's going to happen is if the stars and producers don't either. Make it a game of Russian roulette. I have a feeling American Idol's shit wouldn't be so tired if, instead of being made fun of and dismissed by Simon during the audition, a trap door opened up and the contestant fell into a pit of cobras.

Pictured: motivation.

Instead of the ever predictable song segments, spice them up. It would do wonders to have a live tiger run on stage and maul the singer in the middle of his set. Here's the catch; he must keep singing through the flesh ripping, bone crunching mauling. Otherwise, he's just a damn quitter.

The BEST JUDGE EVER!

How about a Thunder Dome battle between Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowel? Come on, we all want to see it. After a segment, the two of them do their little bitchy banter. Then, all of a sudden, Simon gets up, charges onto the stage and clocks Seacrest in the face. Seacrest grabs a chair and begins to hammer Simon over the head. Oh my God, it's Randy Jackson off the top rope!

And the entire contest should take place here.

The goal is to have the viewer literally say "What the fuck just happened?" This will never, EVER occur if American Idol keeps up the same ol same ol. Shit, these are just a few suggestions. There are thousands more out there. Gladiatorial events, singing while being pelted with rocks, being waterboarded during the auditions. The sky is the limit. Come on FOX! Think outside of the damn box. No, wait. You're too busy cancelling "King of the Hill" and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Don't strain yourselves, ass sniffers.

Sincerely,
Roode