IT Departments: They Don't Care. They Don't Have To

By Roode

Face facts. Information Technology professionals are their own breed of human. We all know it. We've all been through it. Several times during the week we interact with our IT departments in hopes of finding solutions to our computer problems. Our laptop crashed. A worm virus wiped out our hard drive. A bug caused our computer to spontaneously surf porn sites (I swear it wasn't my fault!).

Totally the computer's fault.

In such states of crisis the last thing we need is a bunch of BlueDragon programming demagogues making us feel like assholes because we don't know how to field strip a server. After years of working with IT departments, I've come to the conclusion that they simply are the mad scientists of our times. And we are powerless to stop them!

Muhahahahaha! You'll never open another email attachment again!

Let's say you have a big meeting scheduled with a contractor. They've been surfing porn on the company dime instead of widening that stretch of road or compiling that research report (probably were hit with the same porn surfing bug I was). Well, that's the perfect time for IT to spontaneously download a new operations program to the computer you were going to use for your virtual meeting. What's that? You've had this meeting scheduled for weeks? Fuck you! IT HAS SPOKEN! Don't worry, the download will only freeze up the computer for an hour. What's that? You're meeting is an hour long? HA HA HA HA HA HA!

We're IT. We don't care. We don't have to.

OK, fine. Whatever. Life's too short to get hung up on shit like this. You simply go back to your desk and make some business calls. That's it. Be nice and productive. You'll get that worker of the month muffin basket yet. What's this? The phones are down? What the hell? That's OK. It must have just happened. Bullshit! What IT likes to do is know full well there is a problem with the voice over IP system and wait a couple of hours before they let the company know. So you try to use the company cell phone... but, guess what? Your IT department randomly switched carriers and plans without at least writing you a memo, wrapping it around a rock, and throwing it through your car window. Why? They're MAAAAAAD!

Did I mention IT hates you?

This is getting old. Alright then, just simply catch up on those emails. If at first you don't succeed, try try again. It's going to take more than some IT douchbaggery to stop this juggernaut of business success. Wait a minute. It looks like you haven't gotten a new email in an hour. That's funny. You're always getting junk from shitty companies peddling their shitty services. Hmmmmm..... maybe they've given up? What's this? None of your email is going out? WTF?! You've spent all morning sending out complete email perfection to thousands of people. HA! That's right! Email has been down for HOURS! MUHAHAHAHAHA!

I suppose you're asking, "Roode, if email is down how can IT let you know it's down? Smoke signals?" Well they could leave a message on your voice mail.. oh wait.. the phones are down.

Again! Piss off.

Well, it's close to the end of the day. Thanks to your elite IT department, you were unable to get anything done. Tough shit. Take it like a man. Uh oh, the database is freezing. Shit. Now you have to go to IT, personally, and ask what's up. You sure as hell can't call or email.

The IT department is a strange, foreign place. In my office building, they're in our sub-basement. I can only imagine it was one of the few places the powers that be could manage to put them out of view of the general public. I've even seen evidence of an external lock on the main door that leads to the department. That's right friends, at one point in time, our IT department was locked in, sequestered from decent, God fearing folk. Hell, if Steve Irwin were still alive, he would surely do a special in some company's IT department with hidden cameras and a duck blind.

Crikey! Never get between an IT professional and free food. You'll lose a finger mate.

It's usually poorly lit, muffled sounds of the department personnel talking to their monitors, and the smell of coffee and three day old pound cake. Their skin is pale, not having been exposed to sunlight in years.

We're here to update your Adobe flash platform.

Normal people rarely dare to go into the IT jungle. Some have never come back. There is a pile of bones of past staff in the corner of our IT department next to the ink jet printer. Poor bastards never made it.

A common site in many IT departments.

Avoiding the pitfalls and wild animals, you finally make contact with the natives. The conversation goes a little something like this:

You: Um, the database is down. It keeps giving me an error message and kicking me out.
IT: *Blank stare*
You: Is there something wrong? Server down? Database lag? Global warming? Al Qaeda?
IT: *Blank stare*
You: Are you live or a recording?
IT: We shut the database down.
You: Why?
IT: We are doing a total conversion with new software.
You: And when did you tell us this was going to happen?
IT: *Blank stare* Tell?
You: Communicate? Make aware?
IT: We knew we were doing it.

Go to hell, mere human. We're IT

Sincerely,
Roode

**Topic idea generously contributed by Sequenere Tao NOT Adel. NOT ADEL!