Awkardly Honest Answers to Facebook Surveys

By Adel

Facebook. Facebook is a harsh mistress. On one hand, it allows you to keep in contact with people you didn't really care about from high school. On the other, it allows shut ins to pretend they have a social life.

One of the most popular and annoying Facebook activities is the obligatory survey. We've all been slapped with them. Someone on your friends list tags you in an unnecessarily long survey. Tagging is the modern day equivalent to squealing to Joseph McCarthy. Your friend named names and now you are added to the ever expanding list of Facebook survey victims.

Have you now or have you ever had a crush on someone from your friends list?

Chances are you've filled out, at least, one of these things. What's the common denominator for every survey? Lies. That's right, we all lie. No one answers the surveys truthfully. That's the beauty of the Internet; your life is what you say it is. Liar!



But, what if someone took the time to answer each question truthfully? What if that someone was a stark raving lunatic? At the very least, it would be the most interesting Facebook survey you've ever read. And maybe, just maybe, entered into evidence at a criminal trial.


30Things to know about me

*I never fill these things out. I'm just passing time until the ground gets soft enough to dig..

Today at 04:08 AM

1. What color is your toothbrush?

• I don't have a toothbrush, per say... but a toilet brush that multitasks..

2. Name one person who made you smile today?

• Hitler

3. What were you doing at this morning?

• At 3AM I came back to the house for more Hefty bags. I then took the "garbage" to the garage, where i proceeded to beat it with the handle of a rake. Then I cleaned my cargo van with a mixture of Mr. Clean and bleach.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

• Praying at the alter of Hothgar the Destroyer.. and baked a cake.

5. Have you ever been to a strip club?

• Yes. I like to scope strip clubs out for future sacrifices to Hothgar the Destroyer. I find that very few people care if a stripper goes missing, let alone one whose torso ends up in a dumpster at Friendly's

6. What is the last thing you said aloud?

• I'll kill you! I'll kill you all!

7. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

• Rocky Road

8. What was the last thing you had to drink?

• Turpentine and human blood

9. Do you like your wallet?

• Oh yes.. I made it, myself. Out of my mailman...

10. What was the last thing you ate?

• The spleen of a virgin and a Slim Jim.
  

11. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?

• A few ski masks and gloves

12. The last sporting event you watched?

• Cock fighting. It's not what you're thinking. Chickens weren't involved.

13. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

• Soul

14. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?

• My therapist.

15. Ever go camping?

• I've been in the woods many times.. if that's what you're asking.

16. Do you go to church every Sunday?

• Hothgar the Destroyer's Church of Pain is in Iceland. My bus pass doesn't take me that far.

17. What did your last text message say?

• It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

18. What are you doing tomorrow?

• Another early day. I have to take the "trash" I beat to a pulp in my garage to the woods, buy a few more tarps at Home Depot, and pick my mother up from the taxidermist.

19. Look to your left, what do you see?

• My wall of skulls

20. What is your favorite number?

• 666

21. Who's the last person you talked to on the phone?

• The teenage girl babysitting in the house next door. We have this thing where I call her up, tell her I'm going to kill her slowly and eat her dog's soul. She cries and cries. Then I put a pig's head on a spike in the front lawn. Oh, we have fun.

22. Any plans today?

• Lots of washing up. I have to change the licence plates on my van, and look for the perfect trophy case for my liver collection.

23. How many states have you lived in?

• Well, I've been hunted in 12...

24. Biggest annoyance right now?

• That Tide doesn't quite get all the blood stains out.

25. Last song listened to?

• "My Life is an Endless Torrent of Pain and You All Will Suffer at the Hand of the Destroyer" backwards.

26. Do you have a maid service clean your house?

• I've found that maids get too nosey for my tastes. But, they do broil well.

27. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?

• Rubber hip waders.

28. Do any of your friends have children?

• They keep disappearing.

29. What do you usually do during the day?

• Hide from the sun... lurk in the dark until the night.

30. Are you thinking about someone right now?

• Yes, the cashier at the pharmacy. She looks delicious. I think a red wine would bring out her subtle flavors.

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When not attempting to write for The Fuse Was Too Cold, Adel trains her Alaskan malamute team to take the gold at the next dog sled olympics.

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