Top 4 Most Self Important Facebook Status Messages

By Tresckow

Only the good Lord and his closed circuit television system knows why half of us are on Facebook. Some want to genuinely seek out and rekindle old friendships. You know, with old high school classmates they never really cared about in the first place. Others want an easy, lazy man's way to keep in contact with people they've met more recently/see on a daily basis. This helps them avoid any semblance of letter writing and completing full sentences. Then again, there are others that honestly believe the world needs them to participate as much as humanly possible in the social media realm. Sure, it's cool if you want to tell us you're goldfish died or you got into a bar fight with a chimp. But, dude, crank down the pomposity a few notches before you overload my wall with bullshit ego inflating status messages.

1. The Over Achiever
This is the person that MUST communicate how busily fantastic their day to day routine is. They're just so damn busy with work, meetings, AIDS research, curing the common cold, and rebuilding the Colosseum. But, they always have enough time to tell you that they are a multitasking god.

Hey, so what if the rest of us can barely walk and chew gum at the same time? Piss off! Ooooooooooo.. you can play tennis, run a board meeting, and change your underwear simultaneously. Eat a colon. I'm happy if I can write an email and drink a friggin soda at the same time. I sure as hell don't brag about it on FB.

Most annoying FB status message: LOL! I have a big presentation to give to our board of directors, coach my kid's soccer game, AND play racket ball! Life is nonstop!

Our reply: Eat shit. We know the only way you're multitasking like a humming bird on crack is, because you are, indeed, on crack.

2. The Workout Freak
Oh, how I loathe this guy. Every thirty minutes we're treated to "Just did an AB SHREDDING WORKOUT! Now for a 10 mile run before pilates." This self centered jackhole NEEDS his FB buddies to know he's a friggin physical fitness icon. Holy shit, this guy is so busy pumping iron and doing squat thrusts that he doesn't have the time to sit at his computer. He has to update his status message via cell phone in mid thrust. We don't care, asshole!

When this dill weed isn't telling us how much fat he's burned or how much the tractor trailer he pulled with his teeth weighed, he boo hoos when he's not doing some sort of Spartan warrior- like workout. We get it, dick. You're on steroids and excessive exercising helps reign in the roid rage.

Most annoying FB status message: "Dude! I just did sit ups till I puked! Now I'm gonna swim until I grow gills! LOL LOL"

Our reply: We hope you drown in the pool.

3. The Obsessed Parent
Isn't having kids great? Wait, don't answer that. This parental douche will do that for you. Pride in your offspring is one thing, Being outright obsessed and unable to function without looping everything back to your seed is the sign of being a jackass.

You can easily recognize the symptoms of this particular FB status message abuser. Firstly, before you even get to the status message, you can't help but notice that every damn picture on the page has something to do with their kid. Awww look, little Jimmy is eating cake! Awww, isn't that cute? Little Jimmy is taking a nap! Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, look at this pic! Little Jimmy is taking a dump on the Christmas presents! Yeah, fucking adorable.

Adorable.

But, the FB status messages boast their children and parental skills while simultaneously belittling everyone without a child. Oh, they may not do so outright, but they're doing it. As if their relentless status messages about how their diaper shitter loves dirt or how hilarious it is that their rug rat likes to stick his fingers in electric sockets is going to make our childless ovaries and testicles tingle with envy. Mine tingle, but for other reasons.

What? Are you new here? You knew I where I was going with that.

Most annoying FB status message: It's HILARIOUS how little Jimmy giggles and waves to himself in the mirror! You HAVE TO BE HERE!

Our response: Little Jimmy is retarded. Retards do that all the time. Better invest in some brightly colored blocks and drool resistant furniture.

4. The Social/Political Cause Idiot
Judas Priest riding a Brontosaurus backwards! These sphincters can't go a day without attempting to incite some sort of FB riot for a cause they believe in. Firstly, stop believing in things. It just turns you into a festering asshole. Secondly, if you insist on believing in shit, shut the fuck up about it! FB is for half hearted birthday messages and mindless surveys not to use as a soap box. Get off before I knock you off with a bat.

It really doesn't matter what the cause is, what political party they're endorsing/slamming, etc. It all comes down to the same thing. You're a melodramatic whiny dipshit. You are not Martin Luther and FB is not a church door. Stop trying to nail your virtual thesis to my wall, jackass!

Problem

Solution

Most annoying FB status message: I told you all this would happen! We have to band together and show those government clowns that we are sensitive, intelligent human beings! I'm going to get my picket sign and protest on the White House lawn! Those Republicans/Democrats/capitalist pigs won't know what hit them! Their supporters are rednecks and stupid too. Who's with me!!??

Our response:

Still have to go with the baseball bat on this one.

Awkardly Honest Answers to Facebook Surveys

By Adel

Facebook. Facebook is a harsh mistress. On one hand, it allows you to keep in contact with people you didn't really care about from high school. On the other, it allows shut ins to pretend they have a social life.

One of the most popular and annoying Facebook activities is the obligatory survey. We've all been slapped with them. Someone on your friends list tags you in an unnecessarily long survey. Tagging is the modern day equivalent to squealing to Joseph McCarthy. Your friend named names and now you are added to the ever expanding list of Facebook survey victims.

Have you now or have you ever had a crush on someone from your friends list?

Chances are you've filled out, at least, one of these things. What's the common denominator for every survey? Lies. That's right, we all lie. No one answers the surveys truthfully. That's the beauty of the Internet; your life is what you say it is. Liar!



But, what if someone took the time to answer each question truthfully? What if that someone was a stark raving lunatic? At the very least, it would be the most interesting Facebook survey you've ever read. And maybe, just maybe, entered into evidence at a criminal trial.


30Things to know about me

*I never fill these things out. I'm just passing time until the ground gets soft enough to dig..

Today at 04:08 AM

1. What color is your toothbrush?

• I don't have a toothbrush, per say... but a toilet brush that multitasks..

2. Name one person who made you smile today?

• Hitler

3. What were you doing at this morning?

• At 3AM I came back to the house for more Hefty bags. I then took the "garbage" to the garage, where i proceeded to beat it with the handle of a rake. Then I cleaned my cargo van with a mixture of Mr. Clean and bleach.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

• Praying at the alter of Hothgar the Destroyer.. and baked a cake.

5. Have you ever been to a strip club?

• Yes. I like to scope strip clubs out for future sacrifices to Hothgar the Destroyer. I find that very few people care if a stripper goes missing, let alone one whose torso ends up in a dumpster at Friendly's

6. What is the last thing you said aloud?

• I'll kill you! I'll kill you all!

7. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

• Rocky Road

8. What was the last thing you had to drink?

• Turpentine and human blood

9. Do you like your wallet?

• Oh yes.. I made it, myself. Out of my mailman...

10. What was the last thing you ate?

• The spleen of a virgin and a Slim Jim.
  

11. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?

• A few ski masks and gloves

12. The last sporting event you watched?

• Cock fighting. It's not what you're thinking. Chickens weren't involved.

13. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

• Soul

14. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?

• My therapist.

15. Ever go camping?

• I've been in the woods many times.. if that's what you're asking.

16. Do you go to church every Sunday?

• Hothgar the Destroyer's Church of Pain is in Iceland. My bus pass doesn't take me that far.

17. What did your last text message say?

• It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

18. What are you doing tomorrow?

• Another early day. I have to take the "trash" I beat to a pulp in my garage to the woods, buy a few more tarps at Home Depot, and pick my mother up from the taxidermist.

19. Look to your left, what do you see?

• My wall of skulls

20. What is your favorite number?

• 666

21. Who's the last person you talked to on the phone?

• The teenage girl babysitting in the house next door. We have this thing where I call her up, tell her I'm going to kill her slowly and eat her dog's soul. She cries and cries. Then I put a pig's head on a spike in the front lawn. Oh, we have fun.

22. Any plans today?

• Lots of washing up. I have to change the licence plates on my van, and look for the perfect trophy case for my liver collection.

23. How many states have you lived in?

• Well, I've been hunted in 12...

24. Biggest annoyance right now?

• That Tide doesn't quite get all the blood stains out.

25. Last song listened to?

• "My Life is an Endless Torrent of Pain and You All Will Suffer at the Hand of the Destroyer" backwards.

26. Do you have a maid service clean your house?

• I've found that maids get too nosey for my tastes. But, they do broil well.

27. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?

• Rubber hip waders.

28. Do any of your friends have children?

• They keep disappearing.

29. What do you usually do during the day?

• Hide from the sun... lurk in the dark until the night.

30. Are you thinking about someone right now?

• Yes, the cashier at the pharmacy. She looks delicious. I think a red wine would bring out her subtle flavors.

_________________________________________________________________

When not attempting to write for The Fuse Was Too Cold, Adel trains her Alaskan malamute team to take the gold at the next dog sled olympics.

________________________________________________________________

Another Open Letter to FOX: Terminating Terminator? I Hate You

By Roode

Dear FOX Network,

Fuck you. No no no. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to start off on the wrong foot. I'm getting WAY ahead of myself. Please accept my sincerest apologies. I'm just all keyed up. I'm passionate about quality television programming and, well, you shit bags seem to walk the widest circle around quality you possibly can. So, again, I take back that "Fuck you." For now, at any rate.

I watched the season finale of "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles" Friday night. I watched it again Saturday afternoon and early Sunday morning. I'm thorough, to say the least. After all that intense research, I've come to one conclusion. Holy Shit! Some how you've let a good episode from a decent series though. I'm sure it was an accident, as it had nothing to do with Ryan Seacrest.

The T-700 Series douchbag model

It had substance, it had suspense, it had Summer Glau taking her bra off. Alright, the viewer didn't see the goodies, but it's the principle that matters.

Who am I kidding? I would be one hell of an easy target for her to terminate. Especially if she was topless at the time.

Story arcs were skillfully seen through. The show took assumptions made during the second season and exposed the viewers for the chumps we are. Damn, even plot lines that one put completely out of mind from the first season came back to slap us in the face. All in all, (putting fingers to lips like an old Italian) *MUAH* perfecto.

Here is where my praise for the various responsible parties for the show turns into the proverbial rochambeau for you, FOX. The season finale just may end up being the series finale. You sweaty testicle sniffers!

Insert items to sniff... FOX execs will come a'runnin.

It has been rumored for months that TSCC was getting the axe from FOX. Factoring in all the rationalizing bs, it really comes down to three things.

1. Ratings: Your executives routinely bitch that the show's ratings aren't good enough to renew; despite the fact that if you take a gander at the ratings of other shows, TSCC isn't too badly off. You'll also have ratings issues if you are complete and utter fucktards by first; pitting it against Monday night football and second; moving the show to Fridays AFTER Monday night football ends for the season. I wonder why the ratings aren't underwear wettingly fantastic?

How the HELL is this show still on?

2. Expense: You moan that the special effects are too expensive to produce. Hey, shit heads, you're spending a shit load more money on steaming piles of cow dung like The Apprentice and House. That's right. I said it. House sucks on Saltines. I don't care who get pissed.

I guess it's a lot cheaper to slap some "reality" shows together that only require the writers to have a collective intelligence of a 5 year old and Sloth from The Goonies.

Sloth want more American Idol!

3. You're all dicks: This is the reason I'm really behind. Watching you poop stains program shows is not unlike watching a retarded kid pushing a door marked "pull." You're so damn busy looking to maximize your profits while minimizing your expenses, you let old fashion plot driven shows slip through your fingers. Translation: you're dumber than a bag of hammers (Thank you to MST3K for a line I have been using for decades).

I don't know. Are hammers that ass chappingly stupid? I'll have to check.

I guess I was right at the beginning of this letter; fuck you. Television programming on conventional stations is hurting, because cable is spanking you like a crying nancy boy who likes musical theater and carries around a briefcase. Why? They invest more than money into their shows. They make an investment of time and faith. F/X took a huge gamble with The Shield. Guess what? It friggin took off like a rocket stuffed with cocaine! So much so, that every cable network and their mothers starting to push original programming. Some of it is even on the edgy side (well, mostly F/X. TNT's programming is the diet Coke of episodic television).

Hey, TNT. How's Witchblade working out for you?

I implore you, FOX, renew Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Its following is bigger than Jericho's and that bunch of nut mailing fans got an extra season out of it. There is still time to redeem yourselves. You don't always have to be one in a series; television networks churning out bullshit for the mindless majority. You can make a difference. You can make a stand. Shit, Fringe is just an X-File retool. You're keeping that (allegedly). You're your own worst enemy, FOX. Make that investment. Prove to the world that the FOX network isn't just filler between American Idol episodes.

I don't want to make any threats. I know this site is being monitored by the FBI, KGB, and MI6. But, dudes, seriously, if you cancel this show, there will be some out there that will make their disappointment known.

This dude will be PISSED.

Sincerely,
Roode

PS: Hey, if you're going to be stubborn about it, at least sell the series to F/X dirt cheap.

Billy Mays Deals the Pain to Mr. ShamWow

By Tresckow

Everyone knows that the "As Seen on TV" kingpin is, without a doubt, Billy Mays. Billy has spent YEARS perfecting his craft. And by craft, I mean the dozens, if not hundreds, of shitty products advertised on television. There used to be a time when you had to either be coming home from a late night bar hop or get up ridiculously early in order to see something from Mays. No longer! He's made "As Seen on TV" mainstream. No longer does the public have to wait to get Mighty Putty, Mighty MendIt, and Zip Wrench shoved in their faces. Billy Mays has made it possible that ALL "his" products are shown on TV 24 hours a day. It's a damn good chance that somewhere right now, a Billy Mays endorsed product is being peddled on TV. Go on, check it out. I'll wait. That's what I thought.

"I'm everywhere bitches."

Hell, the once lame (still) and far fetched claims of OxiClean are now taken as gospel. That stuff is in everything from detergents to muffin mix now. He's that damn good! All hail Billy Mays!

What was life like before Oxy Clean? Seriously. I can't remember.

That's right. Billy Mays has built an empire of Ancient Rome proportions. In fact, I'm willing to bet there's not one television snake oil salesman alive today that can get on the air with out Billy's say so. Sorry, I mean Mister Mays. So what happens when someone fucks it up? Ask Vince Shlomi, the ShamWow guy. We're pretty sure Mister Mays was none too pleased with his shenanigans.

*Telephone rings at 3 AM
Vince: (Groggily) H... hello?
Operator: Please stand by for His Eminence, Mister Billy Mays.
Vince: Shit! Really? Oh God. No. I'm on the toilet. I can't talk now. um.. my mom just died...
Mays: The bitch is going to be dead by the time I'm done with her, Shlomi!
Vince: Mister Mays. What a pleasant surprise..
Mays: Shove a Slap Chop up your ass, Vince. I heard about the hooker. What the fuck were you thinking?
Vince: Sir, it's not what it seems. It's rather funny actually...
Mays: Is it? Make me laugh ShamWow boy. Make me piss myself with glee.
Vince: I was bored and, well, needed some special company and my inflatable doll popped when I inserted a Slap Chop... nevermind that. I had a thousand dollars laying around and I thought "Hey, why not get a hooker..."
Mays: I'm not laughing you glorified bath towel peddling shit..
Vince (voice breaking, tears welling up): It was a mistake, sir. My ShamWow fame got out of hand. She bit my tongue. She wouldn't let go. So, I clocked her one. She.. she said she loved me.
Mays: Vince, Vince, Vince. You know I don't tolerate boat rockers. Are you a boat rocker, Vince?
Vince (audible crying): No, sir. God no. I'm not a boat rocker.
Mays: When you say God, mother fucker, you are talking about ME. I built the "As Seen on TV" empire. I push shit people could easily live without, but desperately need. People NEED Billy Mays products, Vince. I'm a household word. I'm fucking crack to senior citizens. Who the hell are you?
Vince (wiping the tears): I just wanted to better lives, sir. I just wanted people to love my nuts... with Slap Chop.
Mays: Your nuts are mine, pissant. It's time for Operation Orange Glo!
Vince: The charges were dropped, sir! The charges were dropped! Not Operation Orange Glo!
Mays: Remember what happened to Max Appel? I had his ass Mighty Mended.
Vince: I beg you, Lord... another chance, please.. another chance....
Mays: It's too late, Vince. You've disappointed the family, Vince. Look outside your window.
Vince: Holy shit! They're here!
Mays: That's right, you lanky douche bag. The May's Promotions soldiers. They make Gotti's people look like pansies. Where do you think the ultra violent factions of the IRA went after the peace treaty? They went to me, you ball sack. By the time they're done with you, there will be nothing left but the fresh scent of orange.
Vince: *Indecipherable words mixed with crying*
Mays: We're going to use Hercules Hook wall hangers to crucify your ass on the security wall of my compound.
Vince: Can nothing be done? Is there no way out? Please, my Lord. I implore you!
Mays: I bet you didn't know OxiClean was a nerve gas when heated at the right temperature, did you? I have CIA contracts, bitch. All of my products are weapons grade, Vince. You're going to find out first hand. Any last words, dead man?
Vince (sniffling, voice shaking): Um, yy-you know the Germans make good stuff??
Mays: Vince, the Germans invented Zyklon-B and Auschwitz. Damn it. I'm going to have you killed twice as hard now you insensitive prick!

Come, Vince Shlomi. Kneel before Mays!

The Weather Channel: 27 Years of Strangely Fascinating Personalities

By Tresckow

To many, The Weather Channel is something you turn to just before you are about to go to the kegger in that undisclosed section of the woods where those hobos were found murdered. After all, you need to know what to wear to make sure the elements don't kill you before alcohol poisoning does.

Providing accurate weather forecasts for hopeless alcoholics for 27 years.

But, to some of us, The Weather Channel has provided more than just delightful weather forecasts and semi-useful environmental information. It's a source of a well spring of on- air personalities that provide us with awkward entertainment, frat boys and eye candy.

There are so many to chose from. For the purposes of this article, I've elected to limit my selection to a few of the more "interesting" personalities.

Jim Cantore
Cantore has been working at The Weather Channel since 1986. He used to have hair, but the responsibilities of a weather forecaster and TV personality eroded his once full, luscious locks. Well, I don't know that for sure. I'm making it up.

Cantore oozes the frat boy all grown up vibe. One can picture him in college doing a keg stand with his buddies; professing his love for alto cumulus clouds and ground fog.

This Mr. Clean of weather is the first one the corporate masters send out on a bad weather mission. If there's a hurricane, send Cantore. Severe floods? Cantore will do it. Volcanic eruption? Shit, that's not even a weather phenomenon. Screw it, Cantore will do anything. As long as he has his blue windbreaker, he'll be fine.

Carl Parker
Now Carl Parker is the blue collar worker of meteorologists. Parker has been around the US in various radio and television capacities. I first heard of him when he went by his God-given name Carl Valovick at a local news station.

Why the name change? I've always wondered. Parker went to Houston to accept a position at, yet another, local television news station. My guess is that "Valovick" was just too ethnic for the people of the Land of the Big Stupid. It's completely possible that in order to get the job, he had to Anglo his name up. Or, any name of three syllables or more is just too complicated for Texans. They like their hats big and their weather forecasters' names two syllables or less.

Bob Stokes
What a charming little man. Don't be fooled. Beneath his dashing good looks and closely cropped hair is the beating heart of a dirty old man. Or, so says this article and his former on- air partner, Hillary Andrews. Wikipedia tells us:

"He has been successfully sued in arbitration by co-anchor Hillary Andrews for sexual harassment... For this, his employment with the The Weather Channel was terminated on February 1, 2008."

Sounds pretty simple, right? Wrong. It's way more interesting and hilarious than that. The phrase "Will you lick my swizzle stick" was thrown around from time to time. Apparently, according to, what we loosely refer to as news sources, Stokes was rather smitten with Andrews, repeatedly asking her out on dates. And by asking her out on dates, I mean following her in the women's dressing room and staring at her boobs.

But, they looked so happy together.

Some sources say Andrews got as much as $5 million from The Weather Channel in her lawsuit. If that's the case, The Weather Channel isn't saying. After her ordeal, Andrews was surely given an engraved apology and a fresh start. Actually, she was canned along with Mr. Innuendo.


Stephanie Abrams
Let's get the boring shit out of the way. Abrams has two bachelors degrees. One in Geography (with a minor in Mathematics) and another in Meteorology. She's been at The Weather Channel since 2003 and we couldn't be happier.

Now, to the important stuff. Stephanie is HOT. I have to call it as I see it. She's HOT. I rarely use the term, for it disgusts me, but she is the epitome of a "Weather babe."

Look at her in that pic. So confident. So secure. So buxom. That fist pump says it all. "I know my shit and I'm HOT. Take that, society!"

We, at the FWTC, can only admire her choices in on screen attire.

Excellent choice. Tight sweaters are a definite plus when watching painfully boring weather outlooks in geographical locations we're nowhere near.

We're totally paying attention to the report. We're just staring at her...uh... microphone.
Her firm, supple... microphone.

Damn, can she rock a tight sweater, top combo.

Maybe part of the reason we're dig her so is that she appears real and approachable. She seems the type to humor us while making a clumsy pass at her in a bar somewhere in Miami. Of course, I would have pounded so many shots of Thunder Bird, who I thought was Stephanie Abrams might actually have been a midget in a hoop skirt.

Our Stephanie has a sense of humor about herself that is sexy as hell. Take this clip of her dropping the green screen's projector remote during a segment.



She's downright adorable. Not to mention she bends over to pick the remote up. Yeah, I'm a pervert. You just try and deny trying to catch a glimpse down her blouse. Go on. Try.

Or, how about this clip of her explaining her history of being loud.



Unfortunately, it isn't about her being loud during the sweet sweet act of love. In any event, she's wearing a nice, low cut sports jacket type thingy. That's what's really important. Just a word of warning. The clip is titled "Stephanie On Herself." That title is so misleading. I had a totally different image in my head when I clicked on the hyperlink.

During that clip, you'll notice that her show co-host, Mike Bettes is a tool. Yeah, OK, Stephanie is a loud talker. Turn the volume down on your ear piece and just enjoy the view, dick. Jerome Bettis would have been a much better pick for a co-host. He, at least, would know how to appreciate that FINE specimen of womanhood known as Stephanie Abrams.

God knows we do.

Tresckow Answers Your Mail In His Own Special Way

By Tresckow

Greetings all! I am happy to announce that The FWTC seems to have developed a devoted, yet scary following. Nothing could please me more. Well, nothing except for leering at Eliza Dushku up close.

Come on. You absolutely knew I was going to bring her up in some way again.

Now that's out of the way, I figure I would answer some reader mail. Why? I'm bored. More specifically, Adel keeps bitching to me that someone should answer some reader questions. Since I don the title of "Head writer" the ball is unceremoniously thrown in my court. Besides, Roode hates you all and Adel is too "happening" to address your deepest, darkest questions.

From: Harpman34
"Where do you guys get your ideas from? Do you all collaborate or just randomly type articles?"

• Well, "Harpman34" it's a combination of things. We normally listen to each other brainstorm, tell the other that their idea is the worst we ever heard, then steal it for ourselves. Or so some writers allege. Truthfully, it all sort of happens. We're making this shit up as we go along. Give us a break.

From: Emmygirl
"Roode seems pretty tightly wound. Is it an act or is he really that way in real life?"

• Wow, right for the jugular. Roode was raised by a pack of wolves, then abandoned as a teenager for being too aggressive. He was then adopted by the Montana state government and raised as their own. During the process, he developed this hatred for all things purple. Does this answer your question? Probably not. But, then again, I don't care.

From: Collieresses129
"Adel is the only chick, right? How does that work?"

• Um, well, I suppose it works due to her having a vagina.

From: Espritseer
"You guys seem to be rough on Adel. Why don't you lighten up?"

• Epsritseer, I can understand why you would get that impression. It's because we love her. We love her so much. It's for her own good that we teach her life is hard. You hurt the ones you love. Well... we REALLY love her. The only way to express that is to subject her to emotional abuse. We're classy like that.

From: Carltonwasright
"Are Tresckow and Adel married? They bicker like a married couple."

• No, Carltonwasright (that better not be Fresh Prince of Bel Air reference). We are not married. We've known each other for a very long time. Knowing each other for so long has exposed just what awful, rotten human beings we are. Who the hell wants to be married to that?

From: Perrywinkle won
"Roode mentioned he was married. Is he serious? Who in their right mind would marry him?"

• Perrywindkly won. You've made my day. Actually, Roode had to order a bride from abroad. But, being cheap, he didn't shell out the money for a Russian bride. He had to go for a lesser product from Mongolia. His wife doesn't speak English, but communicates through a series of grunts and hand signals.

From: Jarjar sucksass34
"Do you all work together? If not, how do you know each other?"

• Wow. Jarjar sucksass34. Way to keep your handle fresh with current Hollywood trends. Roode, Adel, and I have a long and storied past. I met Adel at a traveling rug salesman convention. She, at the time, was a rug groupie. She would get weak in the knees for a rug salesman. I, on the other hand, needed a cheap oriental rug for my shitty apartment. We met, our eyes locked, and promptly made sweet love. Well, that's not quite how it happened. But, it's more interesting than the truth. I have no idea who Roode is. I think he's an amalgamation of company logos and participants of an anger management class.

From: Boboteabaggins
"I'm confused. Where is The Fuse Was Too Cold headquarters? I see a lot of references to the Northwest, but I also pick up on some Eastern vibes."

• Does it really matter? It's the Internet, baby. We could be in different hemispheres and still provide you with this shit.... I mean entertainment. But, if you must know, I am on the East coast, Adel and Roode are in Montana. Yeah, Montana. I didn't even know that place really existed until recently.

Your handle rocks hard, by the way.

From: MackingD
"Is Adel English? Or does she just like using English slang. Also, is she available? Or was she serious about having a boyfriend?"

• Adel is certainly English/British. But, it was a abnormality she was born with. We try to accept her the way she is. It's hard sometimes. It's sort of like interacting with Rocky Dennis, except she uses an abundance of "Us" in words like "Colour" and "Humour."
  
• She is in a relationship. At the moment, anyway. It's only a matter of time before some sort of police action is involved. You an only slap around your boyfriend in public so many times before you end up on an episode of "Cops."
  

From: MuchLoveCliff
"What, exactly, is the meaning behind the title "The Fuse Was Too Cold?"

• We can't tell you. That has to me a mystery.
  

From: Bughattiefarms
"What's the deal with Tresckow's fixation with Eliza Dushku?"

• Are you friggin serious? You're gay, right? It's OK if you are. But, dude, you have to be gay or a corpse to not be fixated with Eliza Dushku. Shit, did you see the picture at the top of this article? Everything in life leads back to Eliza. And if, by some chance, something doesn't, I'll fucking make it!

That's it. That question pissed me off. I'm done. "What's the deal with Tresckow's fixation with Elize Dushku?" Retard.

IT Departments: They Don't Care. They Don't Have To

By Roode

Face facts. Information Technology professionals are their own breed of human. We all know it. We've all been through it. Several times during the week we interact with our IT departments in hopes of finding solutions to our computer problems. Our laptop crashed. A worm virus wiped out our hard drive. A bug caused our computer to spontaneously surf porn sites (I swear it wasn't my fault!).

Totally the computer's fault.

In such states of crisis the last thing we need is a bunch of BlueDragon programming demagogues making us feel like assholes because we don't know how to field strip a server. After years of working with IT departments, I've come to the conclusion that they simply are the mad scientists of our times. And we are powerless to stop them!

Muhahahahaha! You'll never open another email attachment again!

Let's say you have a big meeting scheduled with a contractor. They've been surfing porn on the company dime instead of widening that stretch of road or compiling that research report (probably were hit with the same porn surfing bug I was). Well, that's the perfect time for IT to spontaneously download a new operations program to the computer you were going to use for your virtual meeting. What's that? You've had this meeting scheduled for weeks? Fuck you! IT HAS SPOKEN! Don't worry, the download will only freeze up the computer for an hour. What's that? You're meeting is an hour long? HA HA HA HA HA HA!

We're IT. We don't care. We don't have to.

OK, fine. Whatever. Life's too short to get hung up on shit like this. You simply go back to your desk and make some business calls. That's it. Be nice and productive. You'll get that worker of the month muffin basket yet. What's this? The phones are down? What the hell? That's OK. It must have just happened. Bullshit! What IT likes to do is know full well there is a problem with the voice over IP system and wait a couple of hours before they let the company know. So you try to use the company cell phone... but, guess what? Your IT department randomly switched carriers and plans without at least writing you a memo, wrapping it around a rock, and throwing it through your car window. Why? They're MAAAAAAD!

Did I mention IT hates you?

This is getting old. Alright then, just simply catch up on those emails. If at first you don't succeed, try try again. It's going to take more than some IT douchbaggery to stop this juggernaut of business success. Wait a minute. It looks like you haven't gotten a new email in an hour. That's funny. You're always getting junk from shitty companies peddling their shitty services. Hmmmmm..... maybe they've given up? What's this? None of your email is going out? WTF?! You've spent all morning sending out complete email perfection to thousands of people. HA! That's right! Email has been down for HOURS! MUHAHAHAHAHA!

I suppose you're asking, "Roode, if email is down how can IT let you know it's down? Smoke signals?" Well they could leave a message on your voice mail.. oh wait.. the phones are down.

Again! Piss off.

Well, it's close to the end of the day. Thanks to your elite IT department, you were unable to get anything done. Tough shit. Take it like a man. Uh oh, the database is freezing. Shit. Now you have to go to IT, personally, and ask what's up. You sure as hell can't call or email.

The IT department is a strange, foreign place. In my office building, they're in our sub-basement. I can only imagine it was one of the few places the powers that be could manage to put them out of view of the general public. I've even seen evidence of an external lock on the main door that leads to the department. That's right friends, at one point in time, our IT department was locked in, sequestered from decent, God fearing folk. Hell, if Steve Irwin were still alive, he would surely do a special in some company's IT department with hidden cameras and a duck blind.

Crikey! Never get between an IT professional and free food. You'll lose a finger mate.

It's usually poorly lit, muffled sounds of the department personnel talking to their monitors, and the smell of coffee and three day old pound cake. Their skin is pale, not having been exposed to sunlight in years.

We're here to update your Adobe flash platform.

Normal people rarely dare to go into the IT jungle. Some have never come back. There is a pile of bones of past staff in the corner of our IT department next to the ink jet printer. Poor bastards never made it.

A common site in many IT departments.

Avoiding the pitfalls and wild animals, you finally make contact with the natives. The conversation goes a little something like this:

You: Um, the database is down. It keeps giving me an error message and kicking me out.
IT: *Blank stare*
You: Is there something wrong? Server down? Database lag? Global warming? Al Qaeda?
IT: *Blank stare*
You: Are you live or a recording?
IT: We shut the database down.
You: Why?
IT: We are doing a total conversion with new software.
You: And when did you tell us this was going to happen?
IT: *Blank stare* Tell?
You: Communicate? Make aware?
IT: We knew we were doing it.

Go to hell, mere human. We're IT

Sincerely,
Roode

**Topic idea generously contributed by Sequenere Tao NOT Adel. NOT ADEL!