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By PT
Tons of people in this country are having a tough time with employment. On one end of the spectrum you have poor bastards stuck in a shitty job that's rotting them from the inside out. Even though their employer is crushing their souls a little more everyday, they don't dare quit. The simple fact is no one knows if they can land another job that doesn't floss its teeth with the spirits of their employees (at least not as much). At the opposite end of the spectrum are another crop of poor bastards fired from their jobs because, The Man is looking for ways to cut expenses. These poor sommabitches join the legions of unemployed in an economy that's way past circling the drain.
If you look closely, you can see Chrysler in there.It's one thing if you were axed for refusing to wear pants at the office. No one wants to wear pants, but you just have to suck it up. However, it's quite different if you're tossed to the curb like yesterday's diaper for no fault of your own. You're given the corporate "it's not you, it's me" speech. Tears may be shed, chairs thrown, and cars driven through walls, but what can be done? There's no money and the company has to cut their expenses. Right?
But, what if the corporate douche bags are lying through their teeth? There you are, dumpster diving for left overs outside a Carl's Jr and the senior management of your former financially fucked company is still ordering caviar pancakes for breakfast. What the hell? Didn't they just lay off 27 employees, because they were in the hole? Sometimes, the answer is, "you got fucked." How do you know?
1. Promotions all around
Let's say an ass ton of employees were laid off last month. I'm not just talking about the dude that drives the little mail cart around. No, we're talking skilled, white collar, middle management types. Inevitably you end up getting the dirt on the demon whore company that sent dozens of people packing. When you were still on staff, they couldn't afford to supply everyone with a computer made in the last ten years. Half the staff gets shafted with an Amiga or Apple Lisa. But, wait. There were a round of promotions after the layoffs?
Wait, WTF?
You, my friend, have been duped. Sure, the company had to make some cuts due to budget reasons; just not the reasons they eluded to. As soon as the dust settled, 10 friggin ass clowns were given hefty promotions and $25,000 raises. It's true, you and the other expendables were fired for financial reasons. But, the reasons weren't because the company had problems paying the electric bill. It's because the money that used to pay you needed to be redirected to a handful of fucks that already made thousands more than you!
Oh, bother. I'm simply running out of places to put all my money.
2. Adding to the Already Bloated Senior Management
While looking through useless job sites in an effort to find a job that pays in money, not beads, you become disheartened. It's not that there aren't jobs out there. It's that employers know the applicant to available position ratio is 1000 to 1 [citation needed]. After scrolling past the 80th pyramid scheme or shady work from home ad, you come across a familiar company. A company hiring a shit load of vice presidents, czars, grand poobahs, and other master of the universe type positions. Wait a mother loving minute! That's the company you were fired from!
Wait, WTF?
As with the previous scenario, the company needed to get rid of a bunch of staff positions due to their finances. So, in turn, to save the money they just reclaimed from the round of layoffs they go on a Paris Hilton-esq shopping spree for high power employees that cost four times as much as the money they yoinked from your sorry ass. Why, you ask? Well, so they can look like they know what they're doing while they drive themselves into the ground harder than a tent peg at the big top.
Well, maybe not the Big Top, but at least the oddities tent.
1. Promotions all around
Let's say an ass ton of employees were laid off last month. I'm not just talking about the dude that drives the little mail cart around. No, we're talking skilled, white collar, middle management types. Inevitably you end up getting the dirt on the demon whore company that sent dozens of people packing. When you were still on staff, they couldn't afford to supply everyone with a computer made in the last ten years. Half the staff gets shafted with an Amiga or Apple Lisa. But, wait. There were a round of promotions after the layoffs?
Wait, WTF?
You, my friend, have been duped. Sure, the company had to make some cuts due to budget reasons; just not the reasons they eluded to. As soon as the dust settled, 10 friggin ass clowns were given hefty promotions and $25,000 raises. It's true, you and the other expendables were fired for financial reasons. But, the reasons weren't because the company had problems paying the electric bill. It's because the money that used to pay you needed to be redirected to a handful of fucks that already made thousands more than you!
Oh, bother. I'm simply running out of places to put all my money. While looking through useless job sites in an effort to find a job that pays in money, not beads, you become disheartened. It's not that there aren't jobs out there. It's that employers know the applicant to available position ratio is 1000 to 1 [citation needed]. After scrolling past the 80th pyramid scheme or shady work from home ad, you come across a familiar company. A company hiring a shit load of vice presidents, czars, grand poobahs, and other master of the universe type positions. Wait a mother loving minute! That's the company you were fired from!
Wait, WTF?
As with the previous scenario, the company needed to get rid of a bunch of staff positions due to their finances. So, in turn, to save the money they just reclaimed from the round of layoffs they go on a Paris Hilton-esq shopping spree for high power employees that cost four times as much as the money they yoinked from your sorry ass. Why, you ask? Well, so they can look like they know what they're doing while they drive themselves into the ground harder than a tent peg at the big top.
Well, maybe not the Big Top, but at least the oddities tent. 3. Big Donations for Big PR
A few months go by and you're forced to pay for your rent with manual labour and wheels of cheese. True, millions of people have it worse than you. At least you don't have to shit in a hole in some God-forsaken third world country like France. There have been so many cataclysmic disasters in the past few months one thinks the End of Days is here. The most terrifying catastrophe: The re-make of "We Are the World."
NO, Lionel Richie! YOU get right back to obscurity this very minute!
So, let us get this straight... the money whores gave you and a dozen of your buddies the 'ol heave-ho, because they didn't have the cash to pay you. So, where did the fucking charity money come from?
No, I don't have anything against giving to charity. I'm not Roode. I don't wish for the death of my fellow man. But, there is a certain bullshit contradiction when a company shit cans a shitastic number of employees for "financial reasons" then turns around and gives thousands upon thousands of dollars to the crisis of the month. OK, so I sound like a dick on that one. But think about it. There's no good way to say this. It's sort of a "Robbing Peter to pay Paul" deal. They say charity begins at home, but when was the last time a company sent out a press release for NOT firing employees?
Congratulations!
4. Mr. Bigshot President/CEO Gets a New Ride
You haven't gotten an oil change in five months. The only thing holding your shit box car together is duct tape and wishful thinking. The money is running out and you don't have a dime to spare for luxuries like brake pads, a functioning instrument panel, and working seat belts. You end up rolling past your ex-employer because the building is at the bottom of a hill and gravity is your fuel now. As you roll by in the world's most dangerous soapbox racer you see the carpeted, velvet roped parking spot that belongs to the big cheese. Wait one douchebaggy minute. When you left he had a Plymouth Reliant. Now, a fucking shiny new Lexus is in the space being washed and waxed by bikini models with bottles of Dom.
Wait? That shit is real? Why wasn't I told, damn it!?
Wait, WTF?
We call foul! A small army was tossed out the door due to cutbacks. Where, exactly, does a brand-spanking new pimpmobile for the bossman fit? To add some extra oomf to the crotch shot, the damn thing is leased by the company. So, it's not just the fact that Mr. Cutback somehow has the cash to buy him some new wheels. That shit is on the company dime!
Cash strapped company boss' ride.
Yours
A few months go by and you're forced to pay for your rent with manual labour and wheels of cheese. True, millions of people have it worse than you. At least you don't have to shit in a hole in some God-forsaken third world country like France. There have been so many cataclysmic disasters in the past few months one thinks the End of Days is here. The most terrifying catastrophe: The re-make of "We Are the World."
NO, Lionel Richie! YOU get right back to obscurity this very minute! Companies love to donate to charities. But, these are tough times. Who can afford to cut a $50,000 check to shady relief fund with its office in a van with the engine running? You just got an earful of "The company has to tighten its belt" and "We have to be smarter with our money" war cries as the door hit your ass on the way out. Hold on a minute. The company that made you pack your professional life in a trash bag just promoted their ginormous donation to the earthquake-tsunami-famine-wrath of God fund.
Wait, WTF?
Wait, WTF?
No, I don't have anything against giving to charity. I'm not Roode. I don't wish for the death of my fellow man. But, there is a certain bullshit contradiction when a company shit cans a shitastic number of employees for "financial reasons" then turns around and gives thousands upon thousands of dollars to the crisis of the month. OK, so I sound like a dick on that one. But think about it. There's no good way to say this. It's sort of a "Robbing Peter to pay Paul" deal. They say charity begins at home, but when was the last time a company sent out a press release for NOT firing employees?
Congratulations! 4. Mr. Bigshot President/CEO Gets a New Ride
You haven't gotten an oil change in five months. The only thing holding your shit box car together is duct tape and wishful thinking. The money is running out and you don't have a dime to spare for luxuries like brake pads, a functioning instrument panel, and working seat belts. You end up rolling past your ex-employer because the building is at the bottom of a hill and gravity is your fuel now. As you roll by in the world's most dangerous soapbox racer you see the carpeted, velvet roped parking spot that belongs to the big cheese. Wait one douchebaggy minute. When you left he had a Plymouth Reliant. Now, a fucking shiny new Lexus is in the space being washed and waxed by bikini models with bottles of Dom.
Wait? That shit is real? Why wasn't I told, damn it!?Wait, WTF?
We call foul! A small army was tossed out the door due to cutbacks. Where, exactly, does a brand-spanking new pimpmobile for the bossman fit? To add some extra oomf to the crotch shot, the damn thing is leased by the company. So, it's not just the fact that Mr. Cutback somehow has the cash to buy him some new wheels. That shit is on the company dime!
Cash strapped company boss' ride.
Yours
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