Mailbag: Roode Pretends to Care About Reader Mail

By Roode

Damn it! Why the fuck do we have to acknowledge that there are people reading this shit? When I was brought on board, it was explicitly promised that no one was reading this wblog (no, that's not a typo). Tresckow is calling FWTC a "wblog". You know; website + blog = bullshit buzz word.

Ohhhhh hold on! Here comes another FRESH wblog!! With pieces of grass?

Ren, Adel, and I went in circles to see who was going to address this round of reader mail. Tresckow is out of the running, since he put on his big boy undies last year and waged war with your email. So, I guess this is the point when 'ol Roode gets all behind the scenes and answers each one of your letters to show you the inner workings of FWTC. That shit isn't going to happen. I've avoided this for the better part of a week. Adel provided me with print outs of your mail. I promptly threw them into the toilet. Here's a little known fact: large amounts of printer paper WILL kill a crapper. The fix it dude had to make the trek to our place so he could fish out half of the emails that were stuck in the plumbing. It wasn't pretty.

"Man, what kind of asshole would jam printer paper in a toilet,
then flush over and over, THEN hit it with a hammer?"

From: SillyJilly11
"Do you really think any of this is funny? It's childish and sad."

Fuck you.

From: Gillybit
"I've noticed a lot fewer hate letters to FOX. Did Roode give up?"

The short answer is that I just don't give a shit anymore. Terminator and Dollhouse were canceled, regardless of ratings. TSCC had a shit pile more ratings than Dollhouse, but the colon suckers at FOX went with the cheaper product, then fucking canceled it within two months. It's exhausting to chastise a major network as much as I do. As long as Sons of Anarchy live, I'll delay my murderous rampage for another television season.

Try me, FX. I fucking dare you.

From: Dillhef.pog
"Are we going to be treated to another Saint Patrick's day rant?"

What is that, sarcasm? I can't tell. Just in case it is sarcasm, eat shit then punch yourself in the nuts. If it isn't, then punch someone else in the nuts. Either way, I have no idea. I'm guessing Ren, our resident Mick, will handle that. It's a day of fist fights, alcohol poisoning, and rekindling a decades long hatred of the British. That's all up Ren's alley. She's a fucking alcoholic. And that means something coming from someone who drank a combination of sour mash and Listerine.

Mmmmm. Minty with the slight taste of blindness.

From: Tyrell
"How can I send in a story to you?"

Well, Tyrell, we usually frown on random submissions, but I'll give you the inside dirt.

1. Print out your submission and seal it in a brown envelop. It has to be brown.
2. Go to your nearest Home Depot and slip the envelop under one of the display toilets in the plumbing section. Do NOT substitute a Lowe's. Repeat: Do NOT substitute a Lowe's!
3. Before you leave mark the drop toilet by writing "I.P. Freely" on the lid in permanent marker.
   
4. Go outside and ask a random elderly woman if she would like to take it in the pooper while gyrating your hips.
5. Send us an email from jail and let us know how it all turned out.

From: Nos
"What's wrong with your site? The pics in some of the articles are gone."

Shit happens. Don't care.

From: Taquilfd
"Is any of what Ren wrote about her Canadian thing true?"

Canadian thing? The ill advised trip of whiskey fueled chicanery to Alberta? Or are you referring to one of her lady parts being Canadian? I know nothing about the latter. But, the whole article was true. She even left some of the more unbelievable stuff out. Maybe someday Ren will tell you about how she got out of being charged with lewd behavior with even lewder behavior. Here's a hint, it involves lap dancing and a riding crop.

Ren still gets emails from that guard.

From: Calweego
"This is just a shitty rip off of Cracked."

That's not a fucking question fucktard. This is what we call a declarative statement. "Is this a shitty rip off of Cracked" is a question. Just like, "Would you like it if I found you and stuffed your ass with hot coals?" Or, "Did you know your girlfriend was boned by the entire roster of the San Diego Chargers?" Here's a particular favorite of mine, "Do you know what being castrated with a spoon feels like?" Now, those are questions!

And, yeah, we're pretty much a shitty Cracked rip off. We're just a shit load poorer and have less exposure.

From: Tatargus
"Why are you guys so hard on Michael Jackson? He was the world's best performer!"

Dude, it's not the fact we're hard on MJ. It's the fact that we're pretty sure MJ was hard on kids. In the biblical sense.

From: Kourtican
"What's the obsession with Billy Mays?"

Seriously? You're kidding, right? No! You're serious! Billy Mays was and always shall be a credit to the species. The world died a little when he was called to that big direct shopping infomercial in the sky. To this day I wander around stores not sure what will clean my windshield or how I can talk on my cell while I drive recklessly at speeds not easily attainable by a Plymouth Duster. Simply put, Billy Mays IS ALL THAT IS MAN!

And we like his beard.

From: Pizoo kola
"I am offended by your constant use of the word 'retard.'" It's insensitive and downright rude."

How can I put this?

Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard Retard.

From: Dalton
"Is Ren cute? She sounds like she would be cute."

Cute? I don't know. She's just something we came up with to scare children like pop quizzes and Jack the Ripper.

From: BVlnk
"So what, is everyone there related or something?"

So, no. Does it matter? Who gives a shit? Out of the four of us, three are related in some way or another. I, Roode, maintain my own company; like a cowboy. On a steel horse I ride. Because, I'm wanted. Dead or Ali.. FUCK! I knew that bullshit generic rock station I listened to this morning was going to come back to haunt me!

Fuck you, Bon Jovi.

From: AmberlyThrower
"網路交友18禁地航海王影片ㄇ美女圖片情慾免費情色電影台灣美女寫真貼圖區色情聊天室性愛情666avcom免費下載18禁小說一夜聊天室人之初貼圖後宮電影院入口成人情色歐美素圖qqav性愛姿勢a片直播a圖a片美女桌布"

Yes? No? What is the capital of Nebraska? What about this site has ever lead you to believe ANY of the columnists speak anything but broken English?

From: Barlow
"Roode seems to hate spending time with his family. What's his deal?"

What's my deal? Probably seething hatred. I kid. I don't hate my family. Not all of them, any way. I dislike the idea of liking them. Go to hell!

From: Kotterly
"Did anyone get arrested at Adel's wedding?"

No, although I'm pretty sure there were a few deportations.

From: Pasquall
"Is it OK to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey with bread crumbs before I put it in the oven?"

According to this site :

Most turkeys are too large for the internal temperature of the bird to reach sufficient temperatures quickly enough to kill bacteria present in stuffing which has been refrigerated. For this reason, you should plan to prepare the stuffing separately.

For more information about preparing food safely, visit the USDA's safe food handling website.

*Author's note: Why the fuck would anyone send us a question about preparing a Thanksgiving turkey?

Sincerely,
Roode