So there I am, sitting around drinking and giving children the finger when I get this directive from Tresckow to “Make an article about the Olympics happen.” First off, fuck off. Head writer my ass. You’re not the boss of me; throwing out writing assignments like this is a paying job. I don’t remember getting a pay check or health benefits from this column. No, the only perks from this shit-packed bLOG is that I get to tell women I’m a writer. Sure, that line falls apart either when they figure out it’s for a half assed comedy site or when my wife shows up. Come on, baby, that 70 year old Wal-Mart greeter was hitting on ME.
Secondly, I was going to write an article about the friggin Olympics, anyway. I didn’t need a directive. I’m a fucking writing genius. This brain doesn’t stop! That’s right; mother fucker is always a buzz with literary gold. When people talk about Tresckow’s writing, the conversation is peppered with words like, “hack” and “rhombus.” When the people discuss the literary masterpieces cranked out by me, they use words like “Outstanding,” “Brilliant,” and “police blotter.” I don’t know why they say that last one. I’ve never been in the police blotter. Not by name, anyway.
I never go out without putting this over my face.
Alright, fine. I’ll write an article about the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. Whatever. It’s probably because I’m the only Canadian on staff at the FWTC. I see how it is. Ren’s fucking Irish. I don’t see her writing about bullshit stereotypical Irish fucktardedry.
Shit. That’s a really bad example.
That brings up a good point. I’m Canadian, sure. But, I couldn’t give half a shit pail about the fucking Winter Olympics. Ooooooooooooooo, it’s in Vancouver! Finally, something relevant is happening in Canada. And Western Canada at that. It, obviously, has nothing to do with the CFL. No one gives a flying fuck about that.
The Canadian Football League: Redefining suck since 1903
The wife has been out of town on a “girls’ weekend trip.” I don’t even know what that means. It either has something to do with tampons or many hot, naked games of Twister. Jesus, I have to cut back on the girl on girl porn.
Yeah, that's never going to happen.
While left to my own devices, nothing ends well. I don’t know how to live by myself, anymore. More importantly, I don’t know how to cook for myself. My time alone usually consists of Dunkin Donuts, cheap pizza, and beer. So, while I’m eating a meal of jelly donut and Sam Adams stew, I’m usually in front of the TV. Like, Ren, I get bored to the point where I randomly flip around the channels. I stopped on NBC to check out the Olympics. What a clusterfuck.
I find this brand of sport a lot more entertaining. Side note: Idaho is the perfect venue for this.
How the hell is anyone supposed to fake excitement during the entire opening ceremony? That fucker is like ten hours long. Every country has to do their little “notice me” walk; no matter how small. You have athletic armies from the US, China, and Russia parading around like they just invaded British Columbia. Then, at the opposite side of the spectrum, there are the nations that had to take up a collection to send one guy to Vancouver. Some poor son-of-a-bitch from a country the size of Deadwood is wandering around holding a laser print out of his country’s flag, trying to pretend he’s a team of 100. Way to crush someone’s ego Olympic committee. You guys are sadistic fucks.
"No, man. I'm it. I'm Ed. Djibouti wants me to just stand here for them.
When the fuck did China start sending half its population to these things? Seriously, Ottawa needs to worry about this. With the centuries of abuse the Western provinces have dealt out to Chinese immigrants (like this and this), Canada's hands are dirtier than most Americans think. You think our history contains dealing with snow, having Mother England wipe our asses, and an obsession with ham.
This just may be a trap. One day the maple leaf is flying high over the Premier’s office. The next day it will be one of these mothers flapping in the breeze!
Drink it in, fellow Canadians. There's not even a hammer and sickle on this thing. There's not ONE Maple leaf, either. That's insane!
Who do you think is going to help us with that mess? The United States? No. China owns half your debt. Britain? Keep dreaming. All of a sudden the Brits will pretend to only be a friend of a friend. Hey, fuckers, we have pictures of the Queen on our money. I sure as fuck don’t like that, but it should be worth a few SAS troops.
But, this is probably all the UK would send.
I’ve come to the conclusion that winter sports suck a galactic amount of frozen shaft. Hey, look! Skiing! Look! Ice skating! Ooooo, more fucking skiing. Snowboarding? Isn’t that something the Scandinavian countries invented so they can pretend to surf? The luge? That’s skiing/skating inside a soap box racer. Wait, more skiing? Speed skating? Oh fuck, curling? God damn it! Why the fuck did we, as a country, have to bring that to the Olympic table? Now we’re synonymous with polishing ice really really fast in front of a slowly gliding rock. Fucking four square has more athleticism to it.
Pictured: Not one fucking curling broom and these kids should be proud of that!
Am I the only one tired of “uniforms” that show off waaaay too much (as in any) of the male athlete’s junk? You can see the hemispheric divide of their ass cheeks every time they bend over. Stop it! The fucking luge is basically watching some dude and his vacuumed sealed twig and berries sliding down an icy chute. Why the fuck does the camera man insist on zooming in on the junk bulge? That’s bullshit!
On the other hand, I have no complaints, whatsoever; about the tight, streamlined uniforms the women wear. I’m thinking of getting one for my wife… and her sisters.. And with that last sentence, I have earned myself a Rochambeau. But, that won't happen until she reads this.
I'm totally OK with Lindsey Vonn wearing a snug, tight, aerodynamic suit while she competes. Material clinging to every sumptuous curve...
She can wear anything she wants.
ANYTHING!
Now, whether or not I’m watching NBC, all I see is commercials with pseudo Olympic celebrities. Hey, Vicks , your daytime shit doesn’t work. Go ahead and use Apollo Ono in an attempt to sucker us into believing DayQuil miraculously cures him before a big sliding on ice as fast as he can event. If he’s taking anything, it’s not over the counter. I’m not insinuating anything [Read: avoiding lawsuit]. I’m just citing the long and sorted accusations thrown at professional sports, everywhere (cough, cough, baseball). Besides, who the fuck names a little white kid Apollo? With a name like that, you better either be a fucking Greek god or a large black boxer from the 70’s.
Suck it, Ono.
If these fuckers are so wonderful, how come most of us never hear of them between Olympics? You’re telling me that there isn’t a call for year-round double luge events?
There's no way to watch this and not feel awkward.
Sure, figure skating can be found just about anywhere any time of the year. It doesn’t make it any less gay. If you weren’t bombarded with relentless commercials and news about these snow and ice shufflers would you be able to name three? Don’t lie. You know you couldn’t. If you can, then welcome to the sequined leotard sporting equivalent of World of Warcraft.
Sassy!
Incidentally, I have the urge to wrap my head in duct tape to prevent it from exploding every time I hear a Canadian competitor say “It’s great to be here in Canada.” Asshat, you fucking LIVE in Canada. Guess where you’re going to be after the games? Canada! “It’s great to be in Vancouver?” No it’s not, you fucking liar. Outside of Da Vinci’s Inquest, Vancouver has nothing to offer aside closed circuit television cameras to spy on the populous and a strong prostitution trade.
Yeah, I stole the "Wrap my head in duct tape" line from Glenn Beck. It's the only useful thing I’ve ever gotten from him.
Editor's Note: While searching for images of "duct taped heads" the research department kept running across pics of the cat that was duct taped in Philadelphia last September. Nothing would please FWTC more than to find the sick fucker that did this and duct tape his balls (you know it has to be a dumbshit teen aged guy). Do two wrongs make a right? Yes, yes they do.
I had a bet with Ren that I could work SOA into this article, somehow. I win, you blond elf. You owe me a twenty.
Roode
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