Jeremy Piven: Give Momma Back Her Droz

By Ren

Jesus. This is like the third week in a row I've been the author of a FWTC article. Is it because I am just that damn good? Or is it because the other three columnists are lazy fucknuts hazing the new kid? Guess which one I think.

Something like this, except no where near as hot. Suddenly I'm all tingly.

I've noticed that Jeremy Piven is all the rage these days. Don't get me wrong, I love the guy. He was an absolute genius in PCU! I love that friggin movie almost to a fault. Alright, I was 10 when it came out. But, it made me laugh then and it makes me laugh now. What red blooded American college student didn't want to be Piven's character, Droz? Shit, I know a couple of real life Drozs who wore the fact that they had three sophomore years like a badge of honor. No, like a FUCKING badge of honor. I could never get it right. I kept passing my courses and wanting to get the fuck of out Dodge. The rampant keggers, sorority tickle fightes, casual sex, and occasional coke parties got in the way of my Droz emulation. Although, I did share certain traits with my film college hero.

I didn't get as close to this as I would have liked.

Instead, this was the crowd I fell into. A shame, isn't it?

Shit, now all I can think of is sorority girls in tight little tops and ridiculously short skirts. Where was I?

Was it about this? Hot blondes in football jerseys in the snap position?

Or...

... maybe it was a bunch of sorority girls in nighties?


Shiz, that's right! Jeremy Piven. Damn my wandering, perverted, sex obsessed mind!

No one rocks a plain green tee like Droz.. NO ONE!

I'm sorry. I digressed the proverbial shit-ton. Piven was the Superman of understated funny. Even his cameo in Singles stole the show. I remember being all like "Holy shit! That's the dude from PCU!" Then, just as quickly as he came his bit part faded away like the career of Hootie and the Blowfish.

Absolutely goes ape shit when he hears Elvis Costello and Public Enemy mixed together.

The dude was hilarious. Yeah, he tended to play the same character: PCU-> Singles-> Judgment Night (got his ass thrown off a roof, though... which was a new direction for him). But, it worked. The sarcasm, the dry wit, the male pattern baldness. It all worked. Here's another formula for you:

Jeremy Piven + Christian Slater + hooker bludgeoning x multiple murders = Very Bad Things

______________________________________________________

Pants pissingly funny!

Then, something happened. All of a sudden he's on Ellen. Unfortunately, I don't mean he was boning Ellen Pompeo from Grey's Anatomy.

I'd tap that ass.

No. I mean this Ellen.

We see you!

Then Smokin' Aces came out. We were all the victims of TV commercial fraud. It looked like it could be an American version of Snatch. Oh, why wasn't it an American Version of Snatch? Instead, it was a heaping turd of a movie that left you with that "Why the fuck did I spend money on this instead of porn" look on your face. It was bad. This isn't just personal opinion. The iron clad Internet proof (contradiction in terms?) can bee seen on Rotten Tomatoes where it has all the freshness of a decomposing corpse. What's the general consensus of the learned reviewers about this used tampon of a movie?

Consensus: A violent mess of a movie, Smokin' Aces has some Quentin Tarantino's style but not much of his wit or humor.

Translation: Ben Afflect can turn any movie into a cinematic Kristallnacht.

What else needs to be said about such a motion picture abortion whose prequel is going straight to DVD?

It hurts.

So what? Piven had ample help from a cast of cooche napkins to torpedo this movie. It's more than that. I've noticed a trend. I'm sure you have too. What's different about Piven these days? Other than the fact that he lost the funny. But, why?

That's it! It's the hair! It's the fucking hair!

In a reverse Samson and Delliah, Piven's power weakens with the "growth" of hair. I'm guessing his funny strength is solar powered via storage cells in his scalp. The more hair he... um... grows, the less fuel his funny battery receives.

Hurry! Someone pull the rug off! Quick!

There's more. Much more. Piven has gotten buff. Hey, I get just as wet as the next girl for a hard bodied hunk with a six pack (of Guinness), but, there's something so... off about it. It looks forced. He was never a fat load, but he wasn't Carrot Top jacked either. Look, all I'm saying if you're going to pose for a Men's Fitness cover with a cocky "I went from not to hot" smirk, some things have to be sacrificed.

*Sigh* I miss Droz.

For instance, sometimes in order to sport a new... well new hair... and hire a personal trainer funny gets replaced with douchy. Somewhere along the line he lost his roots. I'm not saying I don't like him now. I just liked the old Jeremy Piven a lot more. You know, the funny one. Ever since Entourage Piven has buried Droz deeper and deeper in designer hair piece hell. He's become Ari Gold. I fucking hate Ari Gold. I'm sorry, I know there are kajillions of Entourage fans out there, but I just can't get into it. I've had law classes that were more entertaining. Sue me. It's television aids.

I don't know if we'll ever see Droz again. I hope. I pray. Just one more time. I miss him. We all miss him. That's Okay. I'll keep the fire burning, the champagne chilled, and my edible panties warmed up for you, Droz, in case you ever come back to me.

I wonder if he ever hears Droz screaming from the inside.

Oh, what the hell. One more pic of hotties I'd totally give a tongue bath to: