By Tresckow
You can't swing a dead woodchuck without flipping by dozens of "reality" shows on television. E! pretty much built the majority of their network on them. MTv crams 30 hours worth of Real World;" crap into a 24 hour day.
Then there's FOX. They're no guiltier for slapping "reality" shows out there than anyone else. A minority are bearable. Hell's Kitchen gives us all an extra special glimpse into the personal hell Gordon Ramsey dishes out week after week. That's just wholesome entertainment.
That's it, Chef. Make them cry. Make them all cry!
As Roode pointed out, FOX, more than likely, will never get the stones to truly break the mold. The majority of television is predictable and God awful. FOX can churn out diaper after shitty diaper of “So You Think You Can” bullshit. “So You Think You Can Dance?” “So You Think You Can Sing?” They’re not even bothering to think of new titles for this fecal milkshake FOX calls television.
Go ahead. Take a sip. Do you feel lucky?
To appeal to a wider audience and to shatter the predictability factor (not to mention the taste factor) some out of the box thinking is needed. It’s a no brainer, really. These possibilities create themselves. True, some may be slightly offensive. You watch shit like “Rock of Love” and anything with that clap trap Paris Hilton and tell me that shit isn’t offensive to the entire human race.
You tell me that you don't need every VD shot known to mankind just by looking at Paris Hilton.
After hours of planning and throwing show ideas around with the home office, five alternative “So You Think You Can” shows stood up and slapped us in the face with a cold, slightly rotting tender loin. Screw it. It wasn’t so much “hours” or “planning” as much as it was spouting bullshit and drinking the finest alcohol a car radiator could distill on the way to the track.
...and the mash goes right here. We'll be all sorts of fucked up when we get to pappy's funeral.
So You Think You Can…
… Survive a Nuclear Blast?
This concept would require the latest remote camera technology. Who the hell is going to want to film this on location? I guess the camera crew could sport radiation suits, but the shit really restricts your movement. The cameras are going to have to catch every appendage dropping, hair thinning moment.
This happened as soon as the opening credits ran. He had hair like Sanjaya in the transport this morning.
Take a group of “contestants” and dangle a million dollar prize in their faces. This task is easy. There are no weekly challenges, quests, or voting people off the island. We simply let nature and the human tissue damaging radiation crank out the entertainment for us.
The premise is simple; dump the group onto a deserted island. Tell them it’s a “Survivor” type reality game show. Come on, it’s not far from the truth. When they arrive, they see crate after crate of food and tremendous stores of fresh water. Their minds will race with questions.
- That’s funny; no one has to hunt for food here.
- Wait, where’s the camera crew? It’s all done by remote.
- There’s no host?
- Why is the boat that dropped us off speeding away like it’s trying to break the five minute mile?
- Is that an airplane engine I hear?
Shit! There's only one thing behind door number one, isn't there?
One blinding flash of light and mushroom cloud later, the show really begins. The last contestant to succumb to the horrors of radiation particles punching their way through their bodies on the cellular level wins! I suppose, technically, the next of kin would win the prize. That will all be taken care of in the pre- production paperwork and release forms.
… Escape a Concentration Camp?
Yea, I hear you. A concentration camp? You fucking monster! I know in the latter half of the 20th century and the early 21st concentration camps have been synonymous with the Holocaust. If you think that, for a second, I’m belittling that, I want you to punch yourself in the balls (or the equivalent) as hard as you can. I’ve seen “Schindler’s List,” motherfucker.
That's not a shopping list they're typing, you insensitive douche.
Plenty of other nations have employed concentration camps and the like. Open a high school text book or search Wikipedia. Why, we have the Soviets, Canada, Japanese, British, and even the good ‘ol US of A. Don’t act surprised with that one. Look around hard enough and you'll find that nobody's hands are clean in this one.
Now, that shit is out of the way, we can move on. Stay with me here. A group of contestants are transported to an old, semi-active gulag somewhere in Eastern Europe. They won’t be too hard to find. If we look hard enough, we’ll have a good chance of finding a few operational ones. A deal can be struck with the fascist regime running the show. They probably won’t be the worse “organization” FOX has joined forces with.
"Ja wo, Herr Murdoch. I think we can reach an agreement. as long as that Family Guy spin off "Cleavland's Show"
never makes it to a second run. Are we clear?"
The show basis is simple; a group of contestants in desperate need for recognition are shackled and transported to the camp. All that needs to be done to win the contest is to escape. That’s it. Just endure the lice ridden conditions, vicious beatings, and the occasional meal of rancid pigeon meat. Keep your eye on the prize. Do what you have to, sell out who you have to, make deals with the devil; whatever it takes to construct your escape plan. Dodge the search lights, roving patrols of guards with dogs, and the mine field surrounding three quarters of the camp then you’re home free. That’s assuming the camp isn’t nestled somewhere in the Ural Mountains. Imagine a combination of “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here,” “The Running Man,” and “Jacob the Liar.”
OK. Maybe more Running Man than we let on. It's friggin Buzzsaw!
To boost ratings and to kill two birds with one stone, FOX can throw in the show plot for the obligatory “I’m a fat ass, watch me try to lose weight and fail miserably,” bullshit on each season. It’s a bowel impacted guarantee that everyone on this show will drop weight faster than “TMZ” can shoot photos of some coked up Hollywood tramp’s crab trap while getting out of her car.
You know what we mean.
… Escape the Plantation?
Yes, this one is another show that could be considered “controversial.” No, hundreds of years of black slavery and overall persecution won’t be dumbed down for entertainment’s sake. In fact, this show has a twist. One that will strike ratings gold!
All the contestants are white. That’s right. Not just white, but fancy pants trust fund fucko white. Each and every one will be a pretty boy cracka on par with Spencer Pratt from “The Hills.” All the contestants will also have the same crippling social and intellectual retardation dripping from most of the Aryan douche bags on the E! network.
You should look worried, dick bag.
Why should Black History be restricted to one month? Spoiled fucktards latched to their family’s financial teat will learn, first hand, what it was like for U.S. slaves. Pick that cotton you goatee wearing wannabe Hollywood douche! No venti lattes here, ass clowns. Go ahead, bitch and moan about it. Regular beatings are included. After a long, scorching day in the fields, our spoiled crackas get to take a load off in their flea infested shacks. You can’t call your publicist now asshole. You want this to end? All you have to do is wait until the middle of the night and make a break for it. Just avoid the search dogs and roving groups of cracka haters looking to kick the shit out of you. Follow the underground cracka railroad to freedom. Where’s freedom? It’s Rodeo Drive, silly.
Not included: wireless internet, electricity, sanitation.
Included: Fleas, disease, and the occasional bear home invasion.
… Outrun a Cheetah?
With the advent of “Pros VS Joes” on Spike TV, the gauntlet has been thrown down for sports related reality shows. I think. I can’t really think of any other ones. “Tough Enough” sort of fit the bill, but it was too MTv “Real World’ to be taken seriously. It was weak on physical danger and spine splintering mayhem and too heavy with soap operatic dumbassary. Not having actually watched “Pros VS Joes” I can’t say, for sure, it’s too different. All I really know is that the likely hood of someone being wheeled away from the field, sentenced to a lifetime of sucking food through a straw is a shit ton greater.
Quitter.
In this show, there’s no touchy feely, emotionally driven bullshit by dipshits racked with inferiority complexes. There is only survival driven, pants shitting fear. This show would be relatively easy and inexpensive to produce. The only expenses would be cheetah rental and a good bio- clean up team that can get blood out of Astroturf.
The rules are straightforward; outrun the fucking cheetah. There’s a starting gate and a finish line. The contestant is given a thirty second head start. At the finish line, a gigantic steamer trunk stuffed with thousand dollar bills rests on a pedestal of solid gold. To sweeten the deal, naked women parade around with cold beer and beef jerky in hand. Check that. There’s only one reward worth this ordeal.
I'm sorry. What was I saying? Give me a minute.
All you have to do is OUTRUN THE BLOOD THRISTY KILLING MACHINE pursuing your dumb ass at mind liquefying speed. The odds are that most contestants won’t make it thirty yards before the cheetah catches up and rips out their jugular. FOX could potentially fit close to 25 different competitors in one jammed packed hour of entrails flying around like confetti at a Mummers parade.
We're sure you'll do fine...
… Find Your Ass With Both Hands?
This concept is not as easy as it sounds. Sure, you can probably find your ass with both hands right now. Odds are that you’re sitting on it. It’s hard to miss. But, there is a host of jackasses in the world who would view this challenge on the level of writing a mathematical equation illustrating the cosmic string theory and its practical application to baking apple pie.
Shit! Forgot to account for the cinnamon sugar factor.
Again, we don’t have to look too far to find an ass load of participants. Hollywood provides us with an ever flowing well spring of saliva dribbling sushi eating dill weeds. There are tons of B and C list celebrities trying to start or breathe life into their shameful careers. Sweet Alvis, the list is endless. The Hollywood “elite” is chocked full of bung holes honestly incapable of locating their asses without the aid of at least three assistants.
"Yes, sir. We've located your ass and are emailing directions."
The contestant search would be extremely rigorous. Only the batshit crazy and brain dead will make the cut. Be it massive brain damage due to decades of drug use or natural, inbred idiocy, this show will NEVER run out of contestants. Look at the possibilities: Jessica Simpson, Nicole Richie, Ozzy Osborne, Paris Hilton, Paula Abdul, ANYONE from “Rock of Love”… the list is endless. If that shit-tastically retarded Spencer Pratt survives “So You Think You Can Escape the Plantation” actually does escape, his bleach blond, flesh colored beard ass can be vomited onto this show.
We're no where near done with you, shit stain.
There are dozens of shows ripe for production; all of them relatively easy and inexpensive. Not one of these shows will disappoint. Use what resources that are already available and repackage them. Shit, they’re doing the same thing, only extremely half assed. How many times can a network slap successive Roman numerals on the same steaming pile of scripted reality? When will they realize that only changing the last word in the title doesn’t translate to new? Eventually CBS will run out of locations for “Survivor” and end up with yawn educing locales, such as: Survivor: Wales or Survivor: Manitoba. Riveting.
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