Far be it from me to associate myself with Roode or any of his articles, but I felt the need to expand upon his Earth Day piece (of shit). It got me thinking. No, not thinking about how Roode has kept out of prison for this long. Not this time. I started thinking about how, exactly, would society have to tackle environmental issues in a way that matters. Then it occurred to me, most of the big changers would never be done, because society is only willing to go so far. Sure, some will toss a plastic bottle into a recycling bin, but you bet your ass someone will drive a block to buy their lottery tickets and cigarettes instead of undertaking such an arduous journey of walking.
Sidewalks? Are we savages?So, what would society REALLY have to do without in order to actually make an impact on the environment? Check that; a POSITIVE impact. My list of ways to make a negative impact is pretty much never-ending.
Setting a river on fire is way #23, in case you were curious Ohio.So what would the Earth's population have to sacrifice to make a dent? I have a few ideas. But, we all know none of them are ever going to happen....
1. Make Country Leaders Give Up Personal Jets
Right out the gate I'm taking a swing at politicians. Well, sort of. I'm not talking about government policies. I'm talking about the non-stop, gas guzzling trips made by most of the world's leaders.
General air travel has skyrocketed after that pesky Luftwaffe was grounded in '45. The "lower prices" and bigger airline fleets made air travel a practical reality. Until the early 21st century, that is. Now it's nothing more than nickle and diming, TSA strip searches, and big shiny targets for terrorist groups.
Our world leaders need to be able to travel at a moment's notice. They have to tour earthquake areas to acknowledge that, yes, buildings have been reduced to rubble. They need to attend state funerals for people they never knew for PR and, during election season, be able to drop themselves in whatever state they need to whore themselves in for electoral votes. But, isn't this all outdated and nonessential? Let me answer that for you. Yes. Yes, it is.
This is the modern age, you silly pillack. Everything's virtual or digital... and other things that end in "al" I imagine. First, invest in a Skype or WebEx account. You don't have to physically be everywhere to give your partisan speeches. Pipe that digital goodness into the Brazilian government's multi-purpose room. You don't see Bin Laden jetting all over the West to distribute his messages of death and infidel fueled rage. It's all recorded, baby, and posted online. Yes, he's got a blog and their whole operation is hiding in a cave!
Second, downgrade the bollocks out of the fancy pants transportation. Air Force One, do you really have to be the size of a jumbo jet? I'm thinking more of a Cessna or a Piper Cub. What? It's just as secure as a gigantic jet aircraft. In fact, it's even better. Everyone knows that small planes are infinitely harder to hit and easier to land when damaged (The Big Bopper thing was a fluke). Cram the president's entourage into one of those things with a WiFi ready system and, Bob's your uncle!
Trust me. I will look a lot better with the Presidential seal on it. Maybe a little less yellow.
1. Make Country Leaders Give Up Personal Jets
Right out the gate I'm taking a swing at politicians. Well, sort of. I'm not talking about government policies. I'm talking about the non-stop, gas guzzling trips made by most of the world's leaders.General air travel has skyrocketed after that pesky Luftwaffe was grounded in '45. The "lower prices" and bigger airline fleets made air travel a practical reality. Until the early 21st century, that is. Now it's nothing more than nickle and diming, TSA strip searches, and big shiny targets for terrorist groups.
Our world leaders need to be able to travel at a moment's notice. They have to tour earthquake areas to acknowledge that, yes, buildings have been reduced to rubble. They need to attend state funerals for people they never knew for PR and, during election season, be able to drop themselves in whatever state they need to whore themselves in for electoral votes. But, isn't this all outdated and nonessential? Let me answer that for you. Yes. Yes, it is.
This is the modern age, you silly pillack. Everything's virtual or digital... and other things that end in "al" I imagine. First, invest in a Skype or WebEx account. You don't have to physically be everywhere to give your partisan speeches. Pipe that digital goodness into the Brazilian government's multi-purpose room. You don't see Bin Laden jetting all over the West to distribute his messages of death and infidel fueled rage. It's all recorded, baby, and posted online. Yes, he's got a blog and their whole operation is hiding in a cave!
Second, downgrade the bollocks out of the fancy pants transportation. Air Force One, do you really have to be the size of a jumbo jet? I'm thinking more of a Cessna or a Piper Cub. What? It's just as secure as a gigantic jet aircraft. In fact, it's even better. Everyone knows that small planes are infinitely harder to hit and easier to land when damaged (The Big Bopper thing was a fluke). Cram the president's entourage into one of those things with a WiFi ready system and, Bob's your uncle!
Trust me. I will look a lot better with the Presidential seal on it. Maybe a little less yellow.2. Stop driving.
We've all heard the non-stop ramblings about how the individual driver is really the cause of much of the Earth's pollution. So? Billions of people drive every day. China and India have just started the joys of modern auto travel (modern for 1955, that is). Trust me, they're not going to stop anytime soon. If anything, nations that are just entering their automobile phase are going to rape and poison the Earth in a fraction of the time it took North American and Europe. It's going to get a lot worse before it gets better. Let's face it, if China can't be bothered to NOT add antifreeze to cough syrup, what makes you think they give a shit about emissions testing?
Mmm. Breathe in that fresh city air, Beijing.
We've all heard the non-stop ramblings about how the individual driver is really the cause of much of the Earth's pollution. So? Billions of people drive every day. China and India have just started the joys of modern auto travel (modern for 1955, that is). Trust me, they're not going to stop anytime soon. If anything, nations that are just entering their automobile phase are going to rape and poison the Earth in a fraction of the time it took North American and Europe. It's going to get a lot worse before it gets better. Let's face it, if China can't be bothered to NOT add antifreeze to cough syrup, what makes you think they give a shit about emissions testing?
Mmm. Breathe in that fresh city air, Beijing. Alright, fine. I suppose some vehicles could be allowed. Service vehicles like, trash trucks, UPS vans, and pizza delivery wagons. But, in the spirit of maximizing efficiency and radically lowering emissions, they all have to be the same vehicle. Just think of all that o-zone we would save with our trash-UPS-pizza delivery trucks!
In some cases, the pizza may actually taste better.What about the children? Surely, they need transportation to school. Why bother? Each generation is getting progressively dumber. Society might as well admit defeat now and end schooling of any kind. Not only would it save billions of dollars, it would finally usher in the downfall of society we've all been waiting for.
3. Stop using electricity. Everywhere.
You read that right. I'm not talking about simply turning the lights out when you leave a room. I'm talking about turning the lights out forever. Do you know how much fossil fuel is used to generate electricity to run our televisions and industrial strength A/C wall outlet powered marital aids? Neither do I, but I'm guessing it's a lot.
Imagine the money your average Joe would save by jumping off the grid. Citizens of nations everywhere would save thousands of dollars a year without electricity bills! Alright, so some of that money would have to be invested in glow sticks. I suppose most households would have to find an alternative heat source, too. Our ancestors managed without electricity. They used fire for warmth, light, and cooking. What's that? Burning wood is still polluting the environment? For fuck's sake! You can't have your cake and eat it too.
Not that you're really going to be able to make too many cakes in our new electricity free world.
Kicking electricity to the curb may even enrich our society. Without electricity there will be no computers. Without computers there will be no blogs. It will no longer be easy for any half-witted dipshit to vomit typed out retardation for the masses. It will be like the old days, the sheer expense and effort weeding out the posers. We'll have to go back to reading actual books and newspapers. I hear you, an increase in newspapers means the death of more trees, yadda, yadda, yadda. Well, society is going to need to wipe their asses with something. Newspaper is one hell of a multi-tasker! Just be sure to read BEFORE you wipe.
Wait until you read and wipe with the first print edition of The Fuse Was Too Cold.
4. Wipe out big chain stores.
Nothing embodies the crushing of the very soul of world commerce like the Wal-Mart or Target empire. Mom and Pop stores went the way of the Utah Raptor and Hammer pants. At first, we all cheered. Finally, there is somewhere to go for our economy sized enema needs! Want to buy a pair of boxers and a head of lettuce? At the same store? Well, my friend, you can do that. Never again will you have to make multiple trips to buy condoms, baby lotion, and duct tape.
Well, I guess you're not really serious about healing the planet, then. These gigantic chain and bulk stores are generating enough waste and energy consumption to make Mr. Burns blush. According to this article, states have accused Wal-Mart stores of polluting their water with shitty construction practices. Do you know how much electricity retailers need to refrigerate food, to power lights, and operate the exit theft alarms that go off for no apparent reason? Our research tells us it's a shit load [citation needed]. Even when the store is closed the energy consumption keeps trucking on. Do we really want to hurt our environment for a cheap 12 pack of socks and a case of Dr. Thunder? Well, I'm fine with it, but that's just me.
What WOULDN'T we do for a 12 pack of Dr. Thunder?
3. Stop using electricity. Everywhere.
You read that right. I'm not talking about simply turning the lights out when you leave a room. I'm talking about turning the lights out forever. Do you know how much fossil fuel is used to generate electricity to run our televisions and industrial strength A/C wall outlet powered marital aids? Neither do I, but I'm guessing it's a lot.Imagine the money your average Joe would save by jumping off the grid. Citizens of nations everywhere would save thousands of dollars a year without electricity bills! Alright, so some of that money would have to be invested in glow sticks. I suppose most households would have to find an alternative heat source, too. Our ancestors managed without electricity. They used fire for warmth, light, and cooking. What's that? Burning wood is still polluting the environment? For fuck's sake! You can't have your cake and eat it too.
Not that you're really going to be able to make too many cakes in our new electricity free world.Kicking electricity to the curb may even enrich our society. Without electricity there will be no computers. Without computers there will be no blogs. It will no longer be easy for any half-witted dipshit to vomit typed out retardation for the masses. It will be like the old days, the sheer expense and effort weeding out the posers. We'll have to go back to reading actual books and newspapers. I hear you, an increase in newspapers means the death of more trees, yadda, yadda, yadda. Well, society is going to need to wipe their asses with something. Newspaper is one hell of a multi-tasker! Just be sure to read BEFORE you wipe.
Wait until you read and wipe with the first print edition of The Fuse Was Too Cold.4. Wipe out big chain stores.
Nothing embodies the crushing of the very soul of world commerce like the Wal-Mart or Target empire. Mom and Pop stores went the way of the Utah Raptor and Hammer pants. At first, we all cheered. Finally, there is somewhere to go for our economy sized enema needs! Want to buy a pair of boxers and a head of lettuce? At the same store? Well, my friend, you can do that. Never again will you have to make multiple trips to buy condoms, baby lotion, and duct tape.Well, I guess you're not really serious about healing the planet, then. These gigantic chain and bulk stores are generating enough waste and energy consumption to make Mr. Burns blush. According to this article, states have accused Wal-Mart stores of polluting their water with shitty construction practices. Do you know how much electricity retailers need to refrigerate food, to power lights, and operate the exit theft alarms that go off for no apparent reason? Our research tells us it's a shit load [citation needed]. Even when the store is closed the energy consumption keeps trucking on. Do we really want to hurt our environment for a cheap 12 pack of socks and a case of Dr. Thunder? Well, I'm fine with it, but that's just me.
What WOULDN'T we do for a 12 pack of Dr. Thunder?Bring back the Mom and Pops. Not only will that diversify the market, it just might bring scurvy back in style. Quick, it's the middle of winter in northern Saskatchewan and you want an orange. Tough luck. I guess you should just get used to those bleeding gums. Mom and Pop stores, although romantic and quaint, probably won't be able to carry anything out of season. Your average corner shop may never be able to buy and stock anything outside of an affordable geographical radius. If a store owner was lucky enough to get a hold of a crate of Spanish clementines, they would have to jack up the price to, about, $10 an orange. Scurvy is cheaper.
5. No more concerts, rallies, or protests.
How many of us have a brilliant sexual, drug, or cop beating concert story to tell? Maybe at that Screaming Trees concert the midget next to you projectile vomited so hard at he actually propelled himself through the air. Or what about that rally/protest for something or other you'll remember for the rest of your life? There's nothing like showing up somewhere, en mass, to support/protest the troops/president/lactose/soap.... Seriously, there are rallies for anything these days. You don't really have to know what you're protesting about.
Be warned, Betty White.
5. No more concerts, rallies, or protests.
How many of us have a brilliant sexual, drug, or cop beating concert story to tell? Maybe at that Screaming Trees concert the midget next to you projectile vomited so hard at he actually propelled himself through the air. Or what about that rally/protest for something or other you'll remember for the rest of your life? There's nothing like showing up somewhere, en mass, to support/protest the troops/president/lactose/soap.... Seriously, there are rallies for anything these days. You don't really have to know what you're protesting about.
Be warned, Betty White.It's nice to know that people out there are willing to express their opinions and use their right to free speech while punching the environment in the face. The millions of people around the world that go on pilgrimages to see Winger live are also killing the environment. Well, in addition to murdering musical taste.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, Stewart.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, Stewart. Think about it. For your average concert you'll have one bus for the band, 10 or more trucks for the equipment, one bus for the whores, a catering entourage, a couple more buses for the crew, and a huge power supply for all those trippy lights. Take all of that and add the thousands upon thousands of cars driven by the attendees. Well, why not just set a baby deer on fire?
Go on. Do it. Get the lighter fluid and have at it you monster.
Protests pretty much cover the same ground. Perhaps, the pinnacle of contradiction is when thousands of people, rock bands, and politicians blow a million tons of fuel to attend some sort of global save the world rally. The environment would be better off if everyone stayed home and live streamed Bono's pretentious egotism on YouTube.
Little known fact: Bono's ego and sense of self-satisfaction can power a city the size of London.
Go on. Do it. Get the lighter fluid and have at it you monster.Protests pretty much cover the same ground. Perhaps, the pinnacle of contradiction is when thousands of people, rock bands, and politicians blow a million tons of fuel to attend some sort of global save the world rally. The environment would be better off if everyone stayed home and live streamed Bono's pretentious egotism on YouTube.
Little known fact: Bono's ego and sense of self-satisfaction can power a city the size of London.
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